Who Loves You? I Do! Letting Go of Your Need To Be Loved

Yesterday I wrote my 20^th blog post. It felt like something of a milestone. I know for the veteran bloggers out there the 20^th post may seem like small potatoes, but it really struck me what a mainstay this has so quickly become in my life. Just about 3 weeks in, over 700 reads and page visits, and so many rich life-altering moments chronicled. I feel very grateful.

Because I have taken a break from facebook and my main reader base comes from facebook, and because of a growing need to get Joy In The City out to a larger base of readers, I have begun the task of joining blogging communities and getting to know other bloggers. It seems important to me to put Joy In The City in a context of other blogs and for me to learn about the culture of blogging. Obviously, from me saying that, you gather that the reason I started blogging is more personal than entrepreneurial.

I started this blog because I thought that it would be wonderful to share the insights and the adventures I have come upon while living my life in a the crazy metropolis that is NYC. I also wanted to provide a source of inspiration for people struggling here-who are lonely, who are lost, who are yearning for something more but don’t know where where to turn. Most importantly, I wanted a dialogue.  All of those things were bigger to me than just “having a blog” and all that “being a blogger” implies.

Nonetheless, I have gotten to a point where I feel the need to familiarize myself with the world of blogging. So far I have found many ways that I am different from most bloggers, but the ways we are similar is shocking. I have learned that among bloggers, there is an intense need for validation that comes from writing and yearning for readers.

This has made me think lots about this need for validation we as humans experience. We do work from the heart and then, like children, we look around for acknowledgement, desperately saying “Love me. Love me!”  Every time I feel that kind of need rising in me, I grimace. It makes my gift feel less valuable if I insist that I be thanked for it. Yet, it is a very human experience.

But what do you if you do not receive the validation that you think you deserve? Undoubtedly this is a common experience. How many talented people are there whose work hardly gets noticed or who are looking for work in this city? If we don’t deal with this experience, we risk becoming bitter, shutting down, playing small, thus sabotaging potential success. So how do you deal?

This question has been running around in my head since I read an article called The Ultimate Act of Self Care – Letting Go of Your Need to be Loved by "Girlfriend on a Mission" writer, Beth Collins. In it the writer said that a major awakening in the second part of her life has been to let go of her need to be loved. What would she be if she didn’t constantly need to be told how wonderful she is, if she didn’t need the extra thank you? I was completely intrigued when I read this article. It was the first time in a long time that I was confronted with my need for validation, and I have been contemplating that need for weeks now.

On one hand, the need to be loved is a very human need. But as adults, when do we realize that we are loved already? In a very BIG way. Even if you don’t believe in the Universe or a God that loves you, just the fact that you are here and have gotten as far as you have on your journey signifies that love is working in your life. Someone somewhere loves you. So you are loved.

When will you let the fact that you are loved be a real part of your life instead of chasing it wherever you think some validation of it may exist? 

That’s right. I said it. You are loved. You are living proof of the fact.

I know that being told that you are loved is a human need. We need it like we need touch, air, food, and water. But letting your need for it rule you is like being ruled by a need for your right hand. It is already there. Just use it. Trust it.

I do believe as we begin to trust that we are loved more fully that signs of love from others will begin to manifest themselves more visibly in our lives.

This mantra came up in my meditation this morning. Maybe it will have some use for you too. Say it a few times along with deep breaths whenever you feel some weakness around personal validation.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

On that note: Thanks, readers. How I do love you.