The Fight For Joy

I decided to do something a little different! Happy Holidays, Joy In The City! Here's to you and your fight for joy. Continue. Continue. Continue. You have what it takes!

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The French Connection: Growth Goals and The Gentle Process of Being

Been meaning to talk about this for some time. Having a lazy Sunday in Paris recovering from jetlag, so here’s my moment.

How do you deal with failure?

Sometimes we have a hard time starting a new undertaking because when we have a new idea sometimes all we can see are all the failed attempts of our past.

If you’re anything like me, chances are you have had the experience of starting a project with lots of gutso and somehow losing motivation, interest, or being carried off by something new before you bring it to completion.

Or what about things that aren’t necessarily projects but steps toward self improvement? Don’t you hate it when you start on something to better yourself and you somehow fall off the horse and never get to see that transformation you envisioned?

Sometimes you fall off the horse and get back on and fall off again and get back on, but after that happens so many times, your energy can start feeling depleted and so can your morale. Then you start to hear that voice that says, “What’s the point?” and you get that itch to just throw in the towel.

I’m kind of sick of reading things about this and just hearing the same old “Dust yourself off and try again” messages. There’s something deeper than just having the perseverance/motivation/resilience to start again. I’m sorry, but sometimes your will power just isn’t strong enough to carry you through the pain of past failures.

There must be something more to this than just talking yourself into trying again. 

Case in point:

Here I am in France again and I know that as soon as my husband and I begin to meet up with his friends and family, I’ll be faced with that old language barrier that I hate. I’ve been trying to improve my French since we met 2 years ago. I took it in school, but never used it and now it’s a steady project for me.

It’s tempting to think about the first time I was here a year ago and how intimidated I was with all the quick conversations and nuanced jokes going on around me that I didn’t even speak a word. With the exception of ordering at bakeries and restaurants, I completely relied on him for translation. I didn’t do any of the practicing I planned on. I made a few jokes here and there with his friends, but mostly I felt like a total failure and yet another lazy American visiting a country without speaking the language. Ouch!

So here’s my big realization on this and all other ongoing projects and new undertakings.

If we make perfection the goal, we are unknowingly setting ourselves up for failure.

Sometimes we begin something with this idea in our heads of total transformation. You know how it is, dreamers!

Instead of doing this, why not make growth the goal? If we say to ourselves that we’d like to see this amount of growth in this amount of time, we can celebrate our milestones. We can congratulate ourselves on gradual improvements.

This isn’t to say that we should forget about mastery and transformation, but this is a far more gentle way to approach what is, after all, a lifelong process. The lifelong process is learning. Whatever we are doing, we are learning. When we make growth our goal, when we commit ourselves to process, we can never fail. This, in long term sustains our energy, to continue even through set-backs and to start again if we ever fall off.   

We cannot transform through negative self talk. We must develop the muscle to speak to ourselves in a gentle voice. It is a practice. A great way to start is by making growth your goal, not perfection.

Growth is the never ending process of your life. Commit yourself to that and failure will be irrelevant and whole lot less scary.

I encourage you to add the simple goal of growth to your thought process as the new year approaches. Not perfection, not total transformation, just growth. Sweet, simple, gentle growth.

How do you begin again, Joy In The City readers? What is the secret of your growth process? I’d love your thoughts. As always, thanks for reading.

Check out that leap!!!!!!

 

 

Move! Get Out The Way! Who Gets In the Way of Your Brilliance?

Yesterday, I went to a brunch organized by my friend, Rhonda Khan. She had gathered together a group of “creatives” to share a meal and discuss where we are in our respective creative lives, what challenges we face, and to see how we could support one another in our endeavors.  What a blessing to be invited and to share time and space with such talented, lovely people!

As I was sitting listening to each person share their story, I couldn’t help but be struck by the fact that almost every person present knew exactly what he/she needed to do to get the things they want accomplished. The buzz words like “accountability,” “deadlines,” and “motivational style” flowed freely, and while there were many practical matters discussed, I found myself wondering why we face challenges in doing the things we love, especially when we know exactly what the issues are.

If we have all of this knowledge and self awareness, what’s the problem? Why do we continue to get in our own way? We read the books; we are members of supportive communities; we see art that inspires us; we create things that we believe in; yet, we still feel that something is missing. We still feel as if we lack the motivation to accomplish our goals, we don’t know how to sustain motivation to the fruition of our projects, and we wonder how to organize our lives so that our art is more than just something we do when we’re not working other un-related (sometimes full time) jobs. What’s up with that?!

I realized that the answer lies in something I learned from Dr. Brené Brown. Brené is a storyteller and researcher, who does work around shame and vulnerability. If you are not familiar with her work, check out her groundbreaking TED Talk here. 

Among many things, she says that it is not that we don’t know what to do or what we need, it is that we don’t talk about—and get specific about—the things that get in the way. Until we are specific about “what gets in the way”, we will continue to live in crippling generalizations and quick fixes.

We can talk about what we need to do ad infinitum. But unless we’re getting specific about the root of the matter, we will be taking valuable time from the work and not fostering the energy we need to accomplish our heart’s desires. Isn’t that something? All the things that are meant to help you could actually be draining your energy, unless you are specific about what works for you.

Getting specific about what gets in the way and what works for you is hard. It requires honesty. Honesty requires consciousness. Practicing consciousness is painful. It is a journey that never ends. But I know that the rewards are real.

What gets in your way? What keeps you stuck in your habits? Be gentle as you answer. Honesty does not have to be brutal.

We each have patterns that have dictated our outcomes. What are yours? 

I have become more reflective as we come to the end of the year, as I usually do. I am going into my last week of work before I go spend the holidays in France with my love and his family.

As I reflect, I know how certain challenges make me tremble and send me running for the comfort of my bed or some other handy diversion. These moments are natural. But they cannot be the norm.

I am peeling back a new layer of honesty in hopes that I will become that much more entwined with living my joy.

  

What gets in your way? Be honest. Be specific. Here is a chance for a new beginning.

Feel free to share your thoughts below on what gets in the way or on the NEW JOY IN THE CITY FACEBOOK PAGE. Thank you all for your likes! Keep 'em coming!