Everyday Forgiveness (Of You). On Easter Sunday.

It has been a few weeks since I wrote a Joy in The City. Not unusual in the blogging world, but still…I like to keep the ball rolling around here.

Last week, I visited my parents in South Carolina where I grew up. I was with my boyfriend. It was their first time meeting.

Scary.

My parents and I have had some ups and downs. We haven’t always seen eye to eye on the choices I have made for my life. My boyfriend and I come from completely different worlds. I had no idea what to expect.

Guess what.

It was wonderful. I saw my parents as I had never seen them before. They seemed like many other couples in their age range that I have spent time with. They were sweet, devoted to each other and to life, and did not seem judgmental of me. It was as if they had decided to let something go.

Or had I decided to let something go?

Had they changed or had I changed?

Sometimes we have expectations of people and our relationships based on the past that can obscure our view of what is happening in the present. So I guess I’m going to talk about the second question.

Have you ever had a disagreement with someone that, even after it has been resolved, colors every interaction you have with that person thereafter? Have you ever thought that you “let it go” only to realize when you see that person again that you haven’t actually let it go at all? The relationship has something of an expectation of failure about it.

I admit it. I did have an expectation of this visit with my parents. It was an expectation that I would be left with a feeling that I had experienced in the past. On some level, I expected pain and disappointment.  Thankfully, I told myself to relax.

Instead of viewing the relationship as a figment of the past, I allowed myself to take a leap and see the relationship as a chance to be in the present.

My parents are amazing.  Had I been content to take our relationship as only an accumulation of past events, then I would have missed out on the chance to know them now.

So what does this have to do with you? 

Have you ever thought that you ruined a relationship? Or maybe you actually did ruin a relationship. People don’t want to talk to you or see you…the whole bit. This is obviously a devastating state of affairs. But it’s real. It happens.

Often, the hardest part of dealing when a relationship has been ruined is forgiving yourself.

As far as the ruined relationship is concerned, the good news is that the most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself anyway. 

Forgive yourself for your trespasses. You have that power. It is godly.

Allow yourself to see yourself anew. If relationships with others can be changed by changing ourselves, then so can our relationship with ourselves. How do you see yourself? Are you worthy of forgiveness? Do you deserve a second chance?

I think you are worthy of every chance. Take it. You are, after all, the reason.

Let The Beauty Of What You Love Be What You Do: Acting, Regret, Doing, and Fear. Why Don't You Just Do It?

Let the beauty of what you love be what you do. 

There are a thousand ways to kneel and kiss the ground. *

So what is it? Why aren’t you doing what you love?

I have some loved ones with whom I have relationships that consist of listening to them speak regretfully of their lives as if life is some past occurrence that took place without them.

For many years, this made me sad beyond belief. I think my sadness was combined with the fear of the possibility that my life too could end up as one big insurmountable ball of regret. That I too would be recalling some event that happened 20 years ago and well up in tears mid conversation.

Obviously, this is not the life I foresaw for myself so whenever I had conversations with these people, I ended up with a feeling akin to devastation- a sour mix of pain over their unlived lives and anger that they had “given up” tinged with a fear of the possibility of their current state being my eventuality.  

What always hurt me so much about spending time with these particular loved ones  was that they were (and still are) people so ready for joy. They see beauty, they love the simple moments of life, they are always ready for laughter, and they try to do right by others. Sounds like a recipe for a great life, right? So what is it?

For some reason they feel as if somewhere along the way they either: a) made an unforgiveable mistake; b) didn’t gave the courage to take a risk that they should have; or c) don’t have the strength anymore to work toward the life they want.  They are quite expert at accumulating regret. They are regret hoarders. They refuse to let the regret go.

I talk to them lovingly and listen as they pile on the stories of their “never should have beens” and “if onlys”. I love them, but I have come to understand that the kind of help they need to make change in their lives cannot only come from the conversations that they have with me.

Notwithstanding, I tell you about my regretful bunch of loved ones to say that the life you create is directly built upon what you do. Not what you think about, not what you complain about, not what you have earth moving conversations about, but about what you DO.

This has been a repeated message throughout my life. The Greek word from which our word for ‘act’ is derived is “to do.” My first acting teacher always reminded me of that. It is not just about the homework, you have to actually do it.

So why don’t we just do it more often? One reason is because we fear the unknown. It is embedded in us. It is not that doing what you love is hard. As a matter of fact the hours you spend in your day doing what sets your soul free are some of the most carefree and fulfilling hours of your day. It is not that going to yoga is hard, or rehearsing thoroughly for your audition is hard, or writing, painting, or volunteering your time are hard things to do in and of themselves.

If these are things that bring joy to your heart, why are they being treated like they are the same as going to the dentist?

It is because when we do these things (if they are not already regular parts of your life) we are making a change: we are changing our routine, we are taking a risk, pushing ourselves into unknown territory…especially if most of what you usually do is go through the motions of life on autopilot, this can be quite scary.

But creating a life you want doesn’t happen on autopilot. It takes conscious effort.

Start by letting the beauty you love be what you do. There really are a thousand ways….   

*A line from one of my favorite Rumi poems

The Biggest Fights I Ever Had Were With Myself- On How To Be Competitive, Make Real Transformation, And Stay True To You (Why You Are Already What You Are Hoping For)

I have been thinking about transformation. How does it happen? How does someone actually change? With the notion of self acceptance making its way into my self improvement vocabulary fairly recently, I have completely chucked my hard fast belief in tough loving myself into change. Yes, this revolution will be gentle. At least from the inside, and as far as I can help it.

So now that I’m loving myself all up and down inside and out sometimes I fear that something valuable has been lost along with my rough n’ tough do or die mentality towards personal change. Where is the balance?  Indeed how does one make lasting and profound personal change? Is transformation even possible or is it just some kind of pipe dream that the optimistic and hopeful of us have trained ourselves to believe?

I just stopped typing to readjust a tie around the stems of my houseplant, which was put in place to train it how to grow. I love when metaphors manifest! Is growth just one of the many metaphors for existence? I think it is in many ways. Perhaps we have gotten too caught up into making it happen, and have forgotten the sundry ways it happens on its own.

But back to my bigger question of how transformation actually happens; as in, specifically, how can you make it happen. Slowly but surely I am beginning to understand that you don’t make it happen. The idea of making it happen is probably the biggest hoax that I ever bought into.  It is already happening every day every moment, it is the constant flow of life, so the real question is not how can I make it happen, it is how can I be a part of it, how can I allow space for it to happen in a way that is of benefit to me. Of course, this means understanding that you are already a part of it, so how can I realize that I am a part of it and act accordingly? How can I realize my joy?

I think I’ll get personal here. I believe I came to the big realization that I don’t make transformation happen from my daily readings of the poetry of Rumi. His words have been a part of my meditation practice for almost 6 years. His poetry is about surrender, about knock your socks off, all holds barred devotion to the divine, the unseen. I didn’t realize it immediately but constantly reading his poetry in a meditative state was changing me subconsciously. I began the process of letting go without even realizing it. Do not be fooled, I am still in that process. And it is a process of transformation. 

Doing something daily has led to a transformation process that is not of my doing. Can you dig the paradox of that?

So transformation is not the stuff of mental prowess, harsh treatment, negative self talk, and the like. Devote yourself to doing something regularly. For me, daily is not always possible. On the days when I do not meditate and do my Rumi reading, I do my best to love myself even more. This is living devotion. It is not always perfect.

Gradually the thought process changes. Transformation happens.

In a city where competition is a living breathing element as visceral as the concrete, it can be hard to compete while remaining authentic to your natural self. Often competition (or ogling admiration) is the biggest motivation for seeking transformation. This is a worthy cause. But remember that the only person you’ll ever really compete with is you.  

Transformation is personal. It is not about the person you see playing the parts you want to play. You can be the person playing the parts you want to play, but it is always about your relationship to yourself and not your relationship to someone you else that you wish to be.

The biggest fights I ever had were with myself.

What is it that makes your heart sing? Do it everyday. Better yet: Try to do it everyday. And forgive yourself wholeheartedly when you miss the mark. If you are struggling to be someone that you aren’t, give that struggle up. The transformation that you surrender to, that you make space for, is really about becoming who you already are.

If you can dig that paradox, your joy awaits you.  In the city. And everywhere.  

I HEREBY PRONOUNCE YOU "BRAVE BIRD"

Let’s play a game. Fill in the blank.

Every day I am afraid of __________________, and every day I show courage by _______________________.

That’s compliments of Erin Stutland, that brilliant life coach and personal trainer that always has words of wisdom when I need them.

I know many of you have read my post DON’T BE SCURRED! JUMP ON AND RIDE! In that post I talked about the kind of fear that keeps you from taking action.

Today I want to talk to about bravery. I don’t think we often realize that showing up for life, even when things aren’t perfect is an act of courage. As Erin Stutland so brilliantly pointed out in an email to her readers today, often these are the times we beat ourselves up thinking that feeling stuck is a sign of weakness, i.e. “Why can’t I just let it go?" "What’s wrong with me?" "Why can’t I just let myself be happy?” When actually these are the moments when we are displaying the most courage by making the earnest attempt to be authentic, continuing to work toward your goals, showing up for work, for meetings, making decisions, being present for a friend, etc…despite the fact that you aren’t feeling 100% your best self.

WOW!! GO YOU! That takes some cojones, if I may say so!!!  

Feeling stuck, things not going well, experiencing disappointment, etc…are all necessary parts of life. Going through these moments are not signs of weakness. On the contrary, going through these moments means that you are alive! Congratulations!! 

If you have also done the very natural thing of beating yourself up or pressuring yourself to get over it, and you are still waking up everyday and attempting to give your life every ounce of what you’ve got, think about the bravery that takes. In fact, you are a courageous being.

Alright. I’m taking it to a more personal level.  I’ve been off of facebook for 15 days now. I’m going to be off for all of March. While I have experienced the good that my fb absence has brought to my life, I also feel so OUT OF THE LOOP. I know that this is an illusion. Any information I need to know can be found from other sources. As a matter of fact, I like the challenge of actually needing to call, text, or email someone I’m thinking about instead of thinking about them, snooping their fb page momentarily until something else distracts me and then forgetting all about them (yup. That was a confession). Yet, not being on facebook keeps making me think that so much is going on without me.

I have to regularly confront my FOMO: FEAR OF MISSING OUT.  It has brought up feelings of being left out as a kid, fears of being friendless, and all kinds of vanity about “if anyone even misses me.”  Usually I flood my mind with words like “YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT, JOY!”  “IT’S JUST FACEBOOK!” “GET OVER IT!” And beat myself up for not being more enlightened. Yet and still, I stick to my plan. Despite feeling lonely and out of the loop and despite the fact that it’s super easy to re-activate an fb account and I know I could do it any moment that I’m on a computer, I continue my work and keep my eye steady. This may be very small, but it takes courage.

The small acts of inner courage matter. We are brave everyday. Yet, we so infrequently give ourselves credit, thinking that being afraid or in any way not perfect means that we’re missing the mark. Just the fact that you continue in the face of your fear is an act of courage.

You already have shown so much courage by making the choice to live life with an open heart. Facing difficulty is not a sign of weakness. I am in awe of the bravery you show when you continue on your path even when you experience fear and doubt. Acknowledge that. Praise that.

With that, I’ll leave you with one of my favorite songs by Amel Larrieux, Brave Bird,  and the way to find more Erin Stutland. I adore her wisdom and thank her for the inspiration for today’s JOY IN THE CITY. Maybe we’ll take one of her classes together someday soon? I think it’s time for me to meet one of heroes in the flesh. Be well, my friend!  

How to find Erin Stutland- www.ErinStutland.com/twitter: @estutland

   

FUN-HOUSE MIRRORS, PLAYBACK MODE, And MADness THAT WILL SERIOUSLY HIT YOU LIKE A NYC BUS (if you let it)

I broke one of my rules yesterday. I had coffee before an audition. Coffee does many wonderful things for me, but before an audition I need to feel grounded and centered. Coffee does not help me feel grounded and centered. It makes me something akin to a talking head that is attached to a bouncing ball of nerves that cannot stop smiling. This kind of nervous energy may work for some people, but it does not work for me. There are some people who seem cute, quirky and funny when they have tons of frenetic energy surging through them. I am not one of them. I’m pretty sure I just seem scary.

Nonetheless, I got through the audition and the brief talk with the auditioner that followed. But I left kicking myself. Why couldn’t I have just waited until after the audition for that stupid cup of coffee? I wished that I were enlightened enough to just let it go, but the night was rainy and I was cold and I had just started a new job before the audition, so my mind was running rampant with thoughts about my performances of the day-on the job, at the audition, the various conversations I had with people, and of course the big, big coffee misstep. Why couldn’t I have just waited until after the audition for the stupid cup of coffee? Every conversation was re-played. Every moment of the audition was re-wound, fast forwarded, paused, and watched on loop with a grease pencil. I thought of the job I started. I thought of the clothes I was wearing. I thought of my hair. I thought of my makeup. And of course, I thought of the coffee.

Does this sound unnecessarily ridiculous and manic? I hope so. I hope that as you read paragraph above, that it was abundantly clear that what I experienced was only a minor incident that had been completely blown up into something really big because of the funny house mirrors of the mind.

I know this. So why am I talking about it?

The only reason I share this experience with you fine readers is because I know that this is something that has happened to us all in one shape or another. Obviously, not the specifics. I mean, I hope that coffee doesn’t make everyone into lunatics. 

I’m talking about the playback syndrome.

When something doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, and you playback every single detail of the incident, attempting to dissect it so that maybe you can figure out what went wrong. I’m not talking about your basic playback where you casually remember things that were said to remind yourself of useful details. I’m talking about the kind of playback that makes things larger than they actually were.

Remember what I said about fun house mirrors? Even if you haven’t been in a fun house in years, you remember those mirrors that twist and distort things into unrecognizable rendering that are so removed from their originals that they shock you. Those are fun. But the mind can do that too. And usually when the mind is doing it, it’s not fun at all. It’s painful. It’s obsessive.

Of course, last night I was under the influence of coffee had way too late in the day. The other affect of this was that it kept me up or in a light sleep throughout the night.

But before I went to sleep I was determined to turn my experience into something positive. I spent some time working on perfecting my “acting brand” (maybe I’ll tell you more about that later?). I also wrote a new monologue for my monologue collection, a hobby of mine that I love and that truly has served me well. And I wrote about my audition in a helpful, objective way.

This helped to pull me out of the loop dee loop of my thoughts. If I remained stuck in playback mode, I would have missed the new opportunities that had arisen. And there were plenty. Friends were at my apartment when I arrived, inspiration for a new monologue greeted me, and the delicious drive that only a bad audition can give you were all for the taking. Thankfully, I took it.

The next time you’re in playback mode, yank yourself out of it like you’re standing in the middle of the street and a NYC bus is coming your way.  Seriously take a minute to figure out what will legitimately help pull you out of it. I bet that if you open your eyes, you’ll find tons of amazing things waiting for you right here in the present. Maybe one of those things will involve your joy, and the fun house mirrors will just make you laugh like you’re a kid again.

A Letter From An Introverted NYC Actor Who Likes All the Things About You That Don't Make Sense

I have a confession to make. I am an introvert. I have been my entire life. Why is that a “confession,” like it’s a bad thing? As an actor living in NYC, it is something that I have had to “work with,” as I pursue an occupation that is as much about who you know as it is about how talented you are. Notice I said “work with” as opposed to “work on”. Being a naturally introverted person seems like somewhat of an occupational hazard, if not just plain old paradoxical, to an actor at first glance.

Ever since I realized that I wanted to be an actor, I noticed quite a difference between myself and other actors in this arena. I noticed early on that the other young actors I met all seemed so outgoing and naturally sociable. I too am sociable, but it is not without effort that I meet and greet people after shows, make small talk, and do all things in service of that oft talked about activity that we lovingly refer to as networking.

  

According to the Myer-Briggs personality test, being an introvert or extrovert is more than just a matter of being a shy person or an outgoing person. It is also about where you gather energy from in relation to others. Introverts tend to be people who are energized by quiet time alone, while extroverts are people who find energy while being surrounded by people. 

Doesn’t it seem like if, as an actor, you could choose which one to be that it’d be best to be an extrovert? That’s what I thought for many years. I couldn’t figure out why I was so shy, which is what I used to call to my introverted-ness. I wanted to change it desperately.  Then I learned that being introverted is a natural personality trait that cannot be changed anymore than I can change the fact that I write with my left hand (True story. Lefty in the house!).

So what’s an introverted actor living in NYC to do?

Well, this isn’t so much about being introverted, specifically, as it is about working with what you’ve got. I am on the mailing list of a wonderfully inspiring life coach and personal trainer named Erin Stutland. I’ve read her emails for almost 2 years and I’m always moved by her sincere and funny letters to her readers. One of the best things she encourages people to do is to not apologize for the way they work.

I’ll say it again.

Do not apologize for the way you work.

There is a certain way that you work; that is, how you get things done that is unique to you.

I started off talking about my being an introvert because once I stopped apologizing for this personality trait of mine both inwardly and outwardly, I was able to use it to my advantage and to be honest about when it did not serve me. Introverts thrive on alone time, and aren’t necessarily shy people. When I realized that I wasn’t shy as much as I just lived internally a bit more than extroverts, I was able to enjoy my alone time without guilt (a lot less telling myself, “You should get out there!” “Go meet people!” “Stop being so shy!”). I could see how my time with myself was not a disadvantage but just the way that I gathered my energy to exist fully in the world. Without the pressure I was putting on myself, I feel much more energized to do the necessary networking that my chosen career requires.

I keep a small circle of close friends, but I am comfortable with meeting new people and making acquaintances, and small talk can be fun. I don’t feel that I am forcing myself into being someone that I am not because of an image that I think I should fit into.

My introverted nature affords me a rich inner imaginative life that helps me approach the characters I play in a unique way that some people have called magical. That’s exactly what I’ve always wanted the experience of watching my acting to feel like, and it is possible because I have stopped apologizing for who I am.

Do you have any personality traits that may worry you, but that genuinely work for your life? If there are adjustments to make, make them, but don’t apologize for how you work. There are gems to be found in places you may least expect them. Did you know that there are countless actors who describe themselves as shy? Paradoxical? Maybe. But why not? If it works, use it. No one can play the hand you were dealt better than you.

Signed,

A happily introverted actor who paints worlds with her imagination and plays them onstage when she’s lucky

   

How to Gracefully Fake it Until You Make It: The Emporer's New Clothes and Why You Remind Me of Spring.

I’m up early again. I’m not baking cookies this time and facebook has already been sworn off. I’m finding my flow in the day in a kind of clumsy way that mornings have sometimes.

Transition is happening and I wonder what new shape my life will take this time. I’m starting a new job this week and have a slew of auditions that I am excited about. I also just got a new roommate. Actually, it’s an old roommate that has returned from a year of travelling.

For the past couple of years, I have rented out the extra bedroom in my apartment, and the room has kept a steady revolving door. I have had 5 different roommates in 2 years, each staying for their particular duration in the city and then moving on to their next adventure.  It’s a set up that I love, and truly the only downside is that I meet wonderful people, live with them, and have to say goodbye.  A couple of them are some of my favorite people in the world, and it’s also how I met my boyfriend. Not too bad.

The revolving door in my home life is a constant reminder of transition, impermanence, and the importance of moving gracefully through change. For those of us who have chosen lives that have few constants, change is something that we come to expect and even look forward to sometimes. But that doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary and that new circumstances don’t take some getting used to.

How do you deal with change? Do you greet it like a welcome stranger or do you proceed cautiously, only gradually opening up your heart once you’re ready to trust that your new circumstances won’t cause you any harm? Proceeding cautiously is a common way to go, but what would happen if you made it a practice to let go of old circumstances, embrace new ones, and proceed with full trust through transition?

Though I mentioned people who have chosen lives of change, we all experience transition. I’m sitting here by the window in my kitchen, occasionally looking out at the leaf-less trees. Soon they’ll be covered with buds and then, soon enough, bursting open with flowers. The weather is slowly but surely getting warmer and then we’ll experience that most obvious, universal transition- the changing of the seasons.

When it’s winter to spring, I’m always jazzed by how people welcome the transition with such open arms. The women start strutting as loud and proud as the trees with their new colors, people start breathing deeper and smiling more, enjoying time outdoors, re-connecting with nature. Yes, winter to spring is an easy transition.

But what about the hard ones? How do you deal? This is not to downplay that fact that some changes are hard, but may I suggest that you deal with the hard changes as if you were greeting spring after a long winter? This may sound crazy if you’re in the middle of a really hard change, but bear with me here. Sometimes our attitudes reflect our experiences. If you approach a hard change with an attitude of openness and perhaps a smile (even a little one will work), maybe, just maybe, the change will seem less difficult.  And if it seems less difficult, perhaps it is less difficult. This is what I call a graceful fake it until you make it.  Let your attitude reflect the experience you wish to have and your reflection will change the outcome. Literally.  

Circumstances are gifts. Transitions are chances to open new presents. You just got a new gift. Go on! Open it! Don’t be scared! Something good will come as long as you keep your heart open and stay present to the changing tides.

Change is truly the only thing we have in this life. One way to say that you’re grateful for living and that you’re grateful for the good times you have had, is to let them go. Embrace your change. Those new clothes look mighty good on you if I may so myself.