SATISFACTORILY DISSATISFIED: IS SELF IMPROVEMENT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE? I Mean Who Really Cares???

There is a psychoanalyst named Adam Phillips, whose most recent book, Missing Out, deals with a question that has spun around in my head for most of the second half of today:

Why is it that our entire lives are pre-occupied with the lives that we “could have” had?

He posits that frustration, or not getting what we want, is what makes life real, so then why, he asks, are we so hell bent on getting what we want? He believes in the power of being comfortable with a steady and natural state of dissatisfaction. For this reason he is absolutely critical of the self improvement wave in psychology that feeds the “fantasy” of a better life to the masses. Why is it that the life of your dreams is better than the life you have, he wants to know.

He has written several books, many of which are collections of his essays, on the subject of being satisfied in one’s dissatisfaction. His writings also include commentary on theater, most notably, the analysis of Shakespearean characters (like Lear), as an examination of madness. This, I find, absolutely fascinating.

On one hand, there is a part of me that couldn’t agree with his suppositions more. Why do we spend our lives chasing fantasy images of ourselves as if the self we have isn’t good enough?

On the other hand, I completely agree with the The New Yorker literary critic who said in his review of Missing Out in this week’s issue, that he’s never known anyone to quit an unfulfilling job or get a divorce and regret it. In other words, what’s wrong with trying to have a better a life? What’s wrong with self improvement?

I, for one, can say that the efforts I have made toward living a more authentic, and therefore, better life, are some of my only real achievements in this world thus far. Yup. Not many awards. Certainly not many big roles. Definitely not money. Just the courage I’ve earned and my pride at being a good friend when I can. In a word, I believe in self improvement. I think there’s power in kindness (which Phillips calls 'unfashionable'). That people can grow.

But I agree with Phillips in other ways. He says that a person’s desire at having a better life, including the attempt to understand oneself, somehow takes her away from direct experience of life as it is.  He also says that we have lots to learn from children (he started his career as a child psychologist) because children exist and function without knowing why, without understanding, yet they know, and of course, they grow. When did we get so caught up in trying to figure things-including ourselves- out, talking about things, and attempting to be, dare I say, enlightened?

Now, you know, if you’ve been following this blog, that all of this is a slap in the face to me! What is the point of life if not to have a better life? 

But the point of this mini book report (remember when writing about a book was a book report, not a book review? hahaha), is that I think we’ve got to find some common ground in this age of self improvement (of which, I am very proud to say this blog a part).

There must be some balance of self acceptance and self improvement. What is that balance act for you?

It's not worth it to spend your life thinking of the life you “could have”, but it's also not worth it to never try for the best that life can offer.

Life is now. It is not an imagined future and it is certainly not a regretful past. As we spend more time hanging out in the now (more on that later?), we can get clearer on what we can presently do to make the future more of what we envision. Otherwise, we’ll be stuck chasing something that was never ours in the first place. In short, we’ll miss out on the gift that is now.

In the end, that’s got to be worse than trying to figure out whether all of your attempts at self improvement are futile or not. I have a good feeling that they aren’t. 

Keep trying, but don't forget to love you for you now. Dissatisfied or completely happy. Why not?