Building Your Village and Loneliness in the City

New York is sometimes said to be a lonely place. It’s true. It can get lonely here. It can get lonely in any place where there are lots of people in a rush to do things that seem to be of life altering importance, and where there isn't necessarily a whole lot of space, so everyone seems incredibly close but no one is actually touching. And that’s not a bad a thing! Quite frankly, when I’m out and about in Manhattan going to work, rushing up and down subway stairs, going to auditions (forgot to tell you I’m an actor), classes, yoga, job interviews, meeting friends, I don’t want to be touched, and please, please stay out of my way! It’s the acceptance of such extreme individuality that makes this city so attractive, so irresistible!

But I digress. We were talking about loneliness.

I went out on Saturday night around 10 pm.I came out of my apartment shocked by the beautiful crystal like snow that was falling. Everything felt pretty in that gritty urban way that reminds me of the children’s writer, Ezra Jack Keats (see The Snowy Day). When I got to the station, there was a young woman alone with a baby stroller standing at the top of the stairs. I offered to help her carry it down. She was so grateful, but she needed a moment to make a call. I said sure and waited for her to make her call, growing a bit anxious that I might miss the next train, but I waited. When she was done, we struggled down the stairs together with the stroller, her thanking me the whole time. I just smiled and shook my head, as if to say “no problem”. She needed to make another stop before we had made it all the way down. The train was coming so I rushed to catch it, hoping that she would be fast enough on her own to make it. I ran on the train, sat down, holding my breath, hoping that she made it. Just in the nick of time she came onto the train. How did she make it down that last set of stairs so fast?! Stroller ladies are no joke!! 

The car was mostly empty and she had her pick of seats, but she sat next to me. I felt that she wanted to talk, but I’m just no good at things like that…or so I tell myself. I reached for the safety net of my kindle and began to read. The baby in the stroller kicked me repeatedly and I kept trying not to react. You know how that is. Then, at the last minute (a few stops away), I turned and said “cute baby.” And the girl just opened up and started talking. She wanted to know where I lived, where I was going, where I usually hang out, and she told me about her baby. Randomly she said, “Isn’t the snow pretty?” I agreed. I saw her suddenly. A young woman probably about my age who seems to live a completely different life than mine. But I recognized it. She wasn't crazy, homeless, in need of money, or on drugs. She was lonely. She just wanted someone to talk to for a minute. I wish I had spent more time talking to her. I wish I could have invited her to come with me. I would have bought her a drink. She probably could have used it more than me.

That brief encounter made me think more about the condition of loneliness in the city. How can it be that in a city full of people, one can become so isolated? It’s easy. It happens all the time. Even when you lead a lifestyle that involves countless interactions with people, somehow you can still end up with a big old hollow pit right in the center of your tummy that screams loneliness. Well how do you overcome it?

BUILD YOUR OWN VILLAGE.

Don’t just MEET people who share your interests, hopes, and dreams. Don’t just constantly SEE the people you want to work with. Don’t just READ about the work you want to do and the other people who are already doing it. Those are important things, but why not take it a step further? What’s the next step for you?

Let it be as bold as your present longing. Whatever it is, know that loneliness is a lie. For we are all connected. We always have been and always will be. You are never alone. YOUR VILLAGE IS WAITING.