Who Loves You? I Do! Letting Go of Your Need To Be Loved

Yesterday I wrote my 20^th blog post. It felt like something of a milestone. I know for the veteran bloggers out there the 20^th post may seem like small potatoes, but it really struck me what a mainstay this has so quickly become in my life. Just about 3 weeks in, over 700 reads and page visits, and so many rich life-altering moments chronicled. I feel very grateful.

Because I have taken a break from facebook and my main reader base comes from facebook, and because of a growing need to get Joy In The City out to a larger base of readers, I have begun the task of joining blogging communities and getting to know other bloggers. It seems important to me to put Joy In The City in a context of other blogs and for me to learn about the culture of blogging. Obviously, from me saying that, you gather that the reason I started blogging is more personal than entrepreneurial.

I started this blog because I thought that it would be wonderful to share the insights and the adventures I have come upon while living my life in a the crazy metropolis that is NYC. I also wanted to provide a source of inspiration for people struggling here-who are lonely, who are lost, who are yearning for something more but don’t know where where to turn. Most importantly, I wanted a dialogue.  All of those things were bigger to me than just “having a blog” and all that “being a blogger” implies.

Nonetheless, I have gotten to a point where I feel the need to familiarize myself with the world of blogging. So far I have found many ways that I am different from most bloggers, but the ways we are similar is shocking. I have learned that among bloggers, there is an intense need for validation that comes from writing and yearning for readers.

This has made me think lots about this need for validation we as humans experience. We do work from the heart and then, like children, we look around for acknowledgement, desperately saying “Love me. Love me!”  Every time I feel that kind of need rising in me, I grimace. It makes my gift feel less valuable if I insist that I be thanked for it. Yet, it is a very human experience.

But what do you if you do not receive the validation that you think you deserve? Undoubtedly this is a common experience. How many talented people are there whose work hardly gets noticed or who are looking for work in this city? If we don’t deal with this experience, we risk becoming bitter, shutting down, playing small, thus sabotaging potential success. So how do you deal?

This question has been running around in my head since I read an article called The Ultimate Act of Self Care – Letting Go of Your Need to be Loved by "Girlfriend on a Mission" writer, Beth Collins. In it the writer said that a major awakening in the second part of her life has been to let go of her need to be loved. What would she be if she didn’t constantly need to be told how wonderful she is, if she didn’t need the extra thank you? I was completely intrigued when I read this article. It was the first time in a long time that I was confronted with my need for validation, and I have been contemplating that need for weeks now.

On one hand, the need to be loved is a very human need. But as adults, when do we realize that we are loved already? In a very BIG way. Even if you don’t believe in the Universe or a God that loves you, just the fact that you are here and have gotten as far as you have on your journey signifies that love is working in your life. Someone somewhere loves you. So you are loved.

When will you let the fact that you are loved be a real part of your life instead of chasing it wherever you think some validation of it may exist? 

That’s right. I said it. You are loved. You are living proof of the fact.

I know that being told that you are loved is a human need. We need it like we need touch, air, food, and water. But letting your need for it rule you is like being ruled by a need for your right hand. It is already there. Just use it. Trust it.

I do believe as we begin to trust that we are loved more fully that signs of love from others will begin to manifest themselves more visibly in our lives.

This mantra came up in my meditation this morning. Maybe it will have some use for you too. Say it a few times along with deep breaths whenever you feel some weakness around personal validation.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

On that note: Thanks, readers. How I do love you.   

GO GO Go Shorty It's Ya Birthday/Happy New Year! And Other Pre-Dawn Adventures

I love early mornings. When I am blessed enough to wake up before the sun, I find myself in absolute peace, surging with ideas for the new day. I love the quiet mystery that seems to pervade everything, and I love the prospect of returning to a deeper sleep than the one I had left after hours of private, quiet, peaceful work time have been enjoyed. Oh that second sleep! There’s nothing like it!

Today, I woke up around 5am and lay listening to the rain that was falling in NY. Yesterday was my birthday. After a day of feeling alternately grateful for the new year of my life, and feeling a bit bluesy about the passage of time, I had a wonderful dinner with a few friends at my favorite Thai restaurant downtown. I also had a cocktail made of tequila, lychee, elderberry, cranberry juice, and fresh lime that was so refreshing and relaxing that I’m pretty sure I slept deeper because of it. All day friends wished me happy birthday on facebook, through email, and by phone. One friend even sang me Happy Birthday on skype and I blew out a candle via cyberspace that she had stuck in a strawberry as a birthday cake for me. The day was sweet in the simplest ways.

I think it’s wonderful that we get the calendar new year and also the new year that begins on our birthday. New years may only be days on a calendar, but they always symbolize new beginnings for me.

When I woke up this morning, one of the first things I did was delete my facebook account. It is a temporary separation that has come as a result of my owning the fact that it has become somewhat of a tic in my life. When my mind wanders, I go to facebook. When I’m walking down the street and I feel like being distracted, I go to facebook. When I post a new blog, I go to facebook to share it there. Every “blank” moment is somehow underscored by facebook. It is a tic similar to how I bit my nails as a child. It is something quite empty and meaningless to me, a go-to for moments that aren’t filled by anything else. Well, I have begun to feel that I’d like my “blank” moments back. Where does your mind go when it is free? When I asked myself that question, I didn’t like facebook as an answer. So at the beginning of my new year I have let it go temporarily, for at least a month. I am curious as to what my life will be like without it. Is there any part of your daily routine that you have come to accept as “normal,” but that really doesn’t serve your highest self? May you could join me and challenge yourself to give whatever that is up, even if temporarily. Wouldn’t it be an interesting experiment to see what you could be without it?   

Back to my early morning adventure.

After saying goodbye to facebook, and doing a little reading and researching, I decided that I’d like to bake cookies. I woke up my sleeping boyfriend around dawn to see if he’d like to bake cookies with me. Yes, I did. He took some convincing and soon enough we were in the kitchen sleepily measuring flour and cracking eggs. What fun! I know this sounds insane, but guess what. When I woke up after an amazing second sleep, I had fresh baked cookies waiting for me in my kitchen. What did you have? It was spontaneous and fun and we got to talk from a space that we don’t usually talk in…because we’re usually sleeping at 6am! But seriously. Spontaneity doesn’t take much. You don’t have to bake cookies at 6am (I know that really doesn’t sound like fun at all to some of you), but is there any other spur of the moment activity of which you can take part? A trip to a plant nursery, making a new dish, calling someone who you haven’t spoken to in a long time? Our routines are easy to get stuck in. A little spontaneity can remind you of why you live you the life you choose and put a smile on your face when you might need an extra one. And it doesn’t take much!

Baking cookies before dawn and swearing off facebook for a while are two really small ways that I am kicking off my new year. You don’t have to wait for your birthday or for January 1^st to start a “new year.” They can come any moment you choose to make a small change. Just try one thing as an experiment and see how your landscape can change. It’s up to you. Happy Birthday.       

Let's Start From The Very Beginning, A Very Good Place To Start! WHAT GETS YOU GOING?

 

Do you ever wake up with so many things to do that you just don’t know where to begin? You may look at your list or start a new list, wander (or run/dance/jog) to the kitchen or bathroom while your mind spins and does double turns contemplating all you must accomplish. The words Where do I begin? play over and over in your head.

This experience seems so common that it may not seem worth reading about—or talking or writing about, for that matter.

To which I say: The common cold. Think about it. So there.

Now what was I saying?

Oh yes. That old question, “Where do I begin?”

I’m asking you now, Joy in the City readers. Where do you begin?

Of course, we all begin somewhere because somehow we all get started. But how? What do you do? Yes, you. Personally.

If you don’t know how to answer that question, maybe it’s time that you bring more awareness to your beginning of the day routine. Find out what works for you and stick to it. What is it that gets you going? What inspires you in the morning and gets you focused for the day?

These things should sustain you for the entire day. This is not to say that a good morning routine will ensure that you always have the best day, but I do believe that it does ensure that you won’t have your worst. Even when things aren’t going the way you hoped, a good morning routine is something that you can touch back on throughout the day, that reminds you of your overall goal, settles your stomach, and keeps you moving with some semblance of brightness.

If you are of the kind that does something different every morning, there is still a way for you to bring awareness to your morning activity. Find the elements of what you currently do that are true no matter the form that your activity takes. For instance, if some mornings you notice that you listen to music and dance while you make breakfast and some mornings you like to run, one of the basic elements that helps you get started may be movement. This may sound basic but, trust me, naming it helps! There will be that day that you just can’t get it going and you can’t figure out what’s off. On that day, you’ll be able to say, “Oh! I need to get moving! Motion in the morning helps me get started!” And even if you can’t get it together to move in your usual ways, perhaps by just knowing that moving is something that works for you, you’ll be able to find a more creative and gentle way of easing into something that you love.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to tell you what I do to get started. I actually only have a few constant elements in the beginning of my day. I begin each day with 10-20 minutes of meditation, then I chant Om and Om mani pad me hum, and read a Rumi poem.

I usually also follow it with some kind of stretching; then I have a peaceful breakfast with my man; blog or paint or whatever other creative thing I want to do (it’s important to me to do exactly what I want during this time); and then start the day’s business.

That’s it. It sounds very simple because it is. It does not guarantee that everything I want will be mine, but it does help me remain mostly at peace throughout the day. During meditation, I am also able to get a clearer idea of the tasks that need to be accomplished, and my brain functions more fluidly as I work because of it.

And that’s what I do.

So where do you begin? How do you get started? Whatever you do should ground you, help you stay connected to your joy, and get you going! Negativity, in any form, has no place. If you haven’t already, identify how you best begin your day. Consider it a treat to yourself. After all, it is.

The day’s joy awaits you!

    

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING? JUST BE SOMETHING!

A friend of mine once sent an email to her closest group of friends with the following 3 questions:

1. Why are we friends?

2. How do you feel when you are around me?

3. How do I impact you?

It took me weeks to answer it. The questions seem simple enough, and I guess they were so simple that I forgot about them. I knew that it was important to her so it was important to me, but nonetheless, somehow after I read the email I forgot to answer it for weeks. Then when I realized I had forgotten and was ready to reply, it took me hours of bouncing the questions around in my head, searching for the truest way to answer them before I could formulate my words. When I did, I felt grateful that I was able to answer from my heart and I knew she was appreciative.

The most important thing about those questions to me is the issue they raise over whether or not we know how people perceive us. There will be those of you who read this and who will say immediately that you don’t care how people see you. I tip my hat off to you. There are others of us  (maybe the majority) who know that how the world sees them matters, but who have decided that regardless of how the world may see them, how they see—and feel about—their self will always be more important.

I have, like many of you, gone through periods of time where I can’t quite reconcile a seeming split between who I perceive myself to be and how I think the world sees me. These times can be quite frustrating. During these moments things may not seem to be lining up the way you think they should. You think you’re incredibly like-able, talented, and attractive, yet things aren’t happening the way you think they would for that “incredibly like-able, talented, and attractive” person you see in your head.

That strikes me as funny: The idea that there could be an image in your head of yourself. Yet, there is. Each time I have ever wondered about this image of myself, there is some part of me laughing at its absurdity. I am not an image. I am a living, breathing being. So why should I become obsessed with a picture of myself. As Eckart Tolle said in The Power of Now (a book that seriously lights a fire under my ass):”Why do you have a relationship with yourself? Why don’t you just be yourself?”

Isn’t that deep?

Why do we concern ourselves with dichotomies like, “how I see myself vs. how the world sees me” or “how I feel inside vs. what I do outside”? This is a bit of non-sense if you look closely. If you get over this idea of an “image” of yourself, then you can give more attention to who you actually are.  When you are closer to who you actually are, and begin to live from that truth in a fuller way, then the truth of who you are will certainly shine in the world. You won’t have to worry about how people see you and how you see yourself.

This does not negate the genuine benefits that come from self inquiry. It may be a good exercise to examine how you see yourself and how others see you, as in the case of my friend who sent me that email. Hey, I think I want to send that email to some friends myself! But to become pre-occupied with it? To make it a daily concern that is such a regular part of your mental chatter that you don’t even notice that it’s there anymore? That’s a bit much. Why not give that energy to actually being as opposed to thinking about being?

What a novel idea!

I wonder how many of you noticed that I started yesterday’s blog talking about the mild obsession I have with writing Joy In The City, and that I didn’t go into more depth about it. I know at least one person did, because he asked me about it. If you are wondering the same thing, I’ll speak to that.

It would seem that I didn’t go into more detail on the subject of being a clear vessel to write this blog, but if you read between the lines it connects.

The idea that we need not be perfect (or externally successful) to exist, that we can learn how we, as individuals, function best, and learn how to live as our true-est and most authentic selves, is not a far-fetched idea. I, for instance, don’t need to be perfect, or “holier than thou” to be qualified to write this blog, and you don’t need to be overly concerned with an image of yourself at the expense of being yourself.

We each have the right to simply exist and to live the life we want. It is your job to figure out how you do that best and with a minimal amount of pain to yourself and others. In a word: It’s your journey. Now rock it out.        

OH YOU THINK YOU'RE HOLIER THAN THOU? A LETTER TO THE READERS

Hello, Joy In The City readers. Happy Saturday or whatever day it is when you read this. I am blown away by the fact that you read my words and allow me to be a channel of something positive in your lives. But I have confession to make.

I have gotten drunk off of this love you’re giving me. Daily, I become mildly obsessed with what I will write in Joy In The City. This worries me. I don’t think that obsession is congruent with maintaining the clear channel from which I need to write. This is not to say that I expect perfection from myself.  You know that these entries are as much letters to myself as they are to you. They are largely based on whatever I am currently dealing with. Yes, I am talking to you, but also to myself through these blogs.

I just want to put that out there to dispel any holier than thou-ness ideas that may seep into this dialogue. Because of the conversations that have come up through this blog, I think it could more aptly be called a blog-ologue. It’s a talking blog. Hmmm…somehow I need to convey that there’s more than one person talking.

Dia-blog-ologue?

Now that’s just ridiculous.

Where was I?  

Oh yes. No holier than thou-ness here. I am learning as I write. We’re talking here just like the conversation we may have about this later.

I have a question for you.

How do you deal with disappointment?

A friend of mine who I’ve known for most of my life asked me that question a few years ago and I gave her some generalized “meditation, yoga, laughter, time with friends” kind of answer. All very true. But there’s more to it.

It seems that every month I go through some kind of funk. I know I’m not alone on this. As I get “better” at this thing called life, the funks last for shorter amounts of time. But they happen nonetheless. I like to think that each time I rise out of one of these funks, I am stronger, funnier, sexier, and generally more successful in my life. Thus my life ebbs and flows through these periods of luminosity and darkness, each feeding the other.

The more I go through the funks, the more I come to expect them. I let them be, I give them their space, and they pass. I don’t fear them as I once did. I don’t indulge them by deliberately pulling myself lower with unhealthy behavior. I just let myself be.

Now, I don’t know what a “funk” means for you. These things may vary as much as individuals, so it is important, first of all, to have a level of awareness so you know what going through a low time means for you.  This will be the first step in learning how you must deal.  I know some people who only “allow” themselves 24 hours to be down in the dumps. I think that’s wonderful. I, for one, never know how long it’s going to take. But I never let it completely stop my life. I always engage in some kind of productivity and do my best to show myself some love, even if my dark time involves self- loathing.

I once thought that the fact that I experienced low times meant that there was something wrong with me. I did not know that being a fulfilled and happy person did not negate sadness, disappointment, and mild grades of depression. Now I know that there is no light without darkness. Each is right as rain. As a matter of fact, one cannot exist fully without the other. Just as I am brighter after dark periods, dark periods are shorter when I am free and enjoy myself fully in periods of lightness.

Joy is a state of being that is real through all circumstances. No matter the mood or condition you find yourself in when you roll over and see the light or darkness of day, joy is what prevails at the deepest level. It is untouchable. It is the laughter that cannot be stolen.

So the other part of the answer to my friend’s question, “How do you deal with disappointment?” is this: Accept it. Even expect it just a little. As much as you hope your goals will be accomplished and your wishes fulfilled, expect a bit of disappointment too. Things can’t always turn out exactly the way you pictured them. This is not negativity. It is true. Disappointment is right natural. Feel it. Accept it. Smile at it every now and again. It will dissolve in your acceptance. And the best part is that you will feel your fulfillments all the more fully.

There a lots of other parts of this conversation. For instance, do you have a practice, like meditation or prayer, as a regular part of your life? Do you have a good community of people who support your endeavors and from whom you know you have unconditional love? Are you making your best effort to live the life you want? All big questions. And no blog can answer them for you. It's a conversation. The door is open. All you need to do is walk right in.

DON'T BE SCURRED! JUMP ON AND RIDE!

Have you ever been terrified to do something that you absolutely want to do? Have you ever been terrified to do something that you know on a deep level that you need to do? Chances are, you have. I’m pretty sure this is a universal experience. If you’re the type that claims that you don’t “get scared”, please do hand me over some of that- whatever you use to not experience this thing that I’m pretty sure is unavoidable, even if rare.

I learned to ride a bike last year. Crazy, right? Funny thing is not knowing how to ride a bike never struck me as odd in my childhood. My siblings and I did many things to entertain ourselves. My older siblings knew how to ride and my oldest brother had a bike which he rode every now and again, but bike riding was never high on the priority list for me. We played outside, went to friends’ houses, and had an endless array of made up games for which we employed our toys.  I read and daydreamed endlessly. Nothing seemed to be missing in the entertainment arena. 5, and then 6, children growing up together in close quarters is entertainment enough.

The fact that I couldn’t ride a bike became a problem when I visited friends who wanted to ride bikes; at which point, they would invariably attempt to teach me, which always just left me with scratches and hurt shins and ankles.

I had my driver’s license by the time I was 15, and my own car by the time I was 16. I didn’t take bike riding seriously until I moved to a big city. I came to admire people who didn’t rely on public transportation or cars to get around. They seemed so free! Plus, they were getting to exercise while going from point A to point B and they were going faster than walkers and most runners.  I would see them riding over the bridges of NYC smiling. “Give me some-a that,” I would think. When I first moved to Philadelphia, I kept quiet whenever the subject of bike riding came up in conversation, until I realized that the odd facts about me can actually be interesting and valuable to my art in many ways. And by then, a few friends had attempted to teach me to ride a bike, and I was becoming frustrated at how what seemed to be so easy constantly eluded me.

When I began to make serious progress and it started to look like I would be riding on my own any day, it dawned on me that I was completely terrified to ride a bike. I never wanted to stop learning! Actually doing this thing seemed insane! Suddenly, I wanted to avoid the lessons at all cost because I knew that if I kept going that soon I would no longer need them. Can you believe that foolishness?

Thankfully, I did face my fear and make myself keep practicing because I love riding my bike now. Within a few months of learning how to ride I got to bike all over Paris, Amsterdam, and other cities in Europe.

The funny thing about fear is that usually it is unfounded. Most of the time, when you face it and stare it down, you find that it is nothing but a phantom following you around simply because you let it.

This is not to say that certain mountains we have to climb aren’t tough ones, and the thought of certain things we must accomplish justifiably may cause some fear.

I have spent days afraid to do one thing that is on my to do list. Maybe I don’t know I’m afraid at first. I just get a sense that I am avoiding it. I procrastinate. I do every other thing on the list and just look at that one like it’s going to take care of itself if I’m productive in other ways. Yeah. You know those days where you tell yourself those stories? You’re standing in your kitchen reaching for another cookie, sitting at your computer wandering over to facebook for the 3^rd time in the hour, thinking about every other thing you have to get accomplished but you know really isn’t relevant to that one big thing that you’re treating with a sly avoidance. Yeah, Maybe you’re scared. It happens.

Why are you scared? I don’t know. Don’t ask me. I just learned to ride a bike last year.

Here’s what I can tell you:

Our fears are only as large we you make them. The relief you feel at your accomplishment will outweigh any fear you may have experienced. The fear will melt away as soon as you jump on and start to ride. 

     

     

SATISFACTORILY DISSATISFIED: IS SELF IMPROVEMENT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE? I Mean Who Really Cares???

There is a psychoanalyst named Adam Phillips, whose most recent book, Missing Out, deals with a question that has spun around in my head for most of the second half of today:

Why is it that our entire lives are pre-occupied with the lives that we “could have” had?

He posits that frustration, or not getting what we want, is what makes life real, so then why, he asks, are we so hell bent on getting what we want? He believes in the power of being comfortable with a steady and natural state of dissatisfaction. For this reason he is absolutely critical of the self improvement wave in psychology that feeds the “fantasy” of a better life to the masses. Why is it that the life of your dreams is better than the life you have, he wants to know.

He has written several books, many of which are collections of his essays, on the subject of being satisfied in one’s dissatisfaction. His writings also include commentary on theater, most notably, the analysis of Shakespearean characters (like Lear), as an examination of madness. This, I find, absolutely fascinating.

On one hand, there is a part of me that couldn’t agree with his suppositions more. Why do we spend our lives chasing fantasy images of ourselves as if the self we have isn’t good enough?

On the other hand, I completely agree with the The New Yorker literary critic who said in his review of Missing Out in this week’s issue, that he’s never known anyone to quit an unfulfilling job or get a divorce and regret it. In other words, what’s wrong with trying to have a better a life? What’s wrong with self improvement?

I, for one, can say that the efforts I have made toward living a more authentic, and therefore, better life, are some of my only real achievements in this world thus far. Yup. Not many awards. Certainly not many big roles. Definitely not money. Just the courage I’ve earned and my pride at being a good friend when I can. In a word, I believe in self improvement. I think there’s power in kindness (which Phillips calls 'unfashionable'). That people can grow.

But I agree with Phillips in other ways. He says that a person’s desire at having a better life, including the attempt to understand oneself, somehow takes her away from direct experience of life as it is.  He also says that we have lots to learn from children (he started his career as a child psychologist) because children exist and function without knowing why, without understanding, yet they know, and of course, they grow. When did we get so caught up in trying to figure things-including ourselves- out, talking about things, and attempting to be, dare I say, enlightened?

Now, you know, if you’ve been following this blog, that all of this is a slap in the face to me! What is the point of life if not to have a better life? 

But the point of this mini book report (remember when writing about a book was a book report, not a book review? hahaha), is that I think we’ve got to find some common ground in this age of self improvement (of which, I am very proud to say this blog a part).

There must be some balance of self acceptance and self improvement. What is that balance act for you?

It's not worth it to spend your life thinking of the life you “could have”, but it's also not worth it to never try for the best that life can offer.

Life is now. It is not an imagined future and it is certainly not a regretful past. As we spend more time hanging out in the now (more on that later?), we can get clearer on what we can presently do to make the future more of what we envision. Otherwise, we’ll be stuck chasing something that was never ours in the first place. In short, we’ll miss out on the gift that is now.

In the end, that’s got to be worse than trying to figure out whether all of your attempts at self improvement are futile or not. I have a good feeling that they aren’t. 

Keep trying, but don't forget to love you for you now. Dissatisfied or completely happy. Why not?

SHADOWBOXING AND FIGHTING YOUR FLOW. What Is It With that Bjork Song Anyway?

Occasionally I get a Bjork song stuck in my head. Its the one on her album, "Vespertine," that goes,

It’s not meant to be a strife

It’s not meant to be a struggle uphill

The song is called "Undo." I sing it around my apartment, walking down the street, at work, in silent moments with others. It stays there in my head on loop.

Then in the bridge of the song, she says,

I’m praying to be in a generous mood.

I won’t try to describe this song; all my words would be clumsy. So just take a moment to listen to it. I've included a video of her performing it live below.

I've realized that there are certain songs that get stuck in my head because they contain a message for me that I need to hear at the moment. What songs get stuck in your head? Even the crazy ones might have something for you.I’m serious! 

Back to the Bjork song.

When I get this song stuck in my head I know I’m being reminded of FLOW. By flow I mean that feeling you get when you’re floating on your back in a body of water, looking up, and you get a sense of one-ness that makes you feel that you’re not separate from the sky or the water or even the people around you. Don’t know how to swim? Try this one. You’re eating a delicious meal and you’re melting with every bite, you’re grateful, completely content, and time doesn't exist. Don’t get many good meals? Try this one. A gorgeous man (or woman) is kissing your neck, is going lower and lower, you’re breathing deeply, next thing you know…ok. You get it. 

Flow is when you’re not fighting anything anymore. Everything is in its place, you are peaceful, you know where you fit in the grand scheme of things. You’re not too big, you’re not too small…you’re not too anything. You’re perfect. 

But sometimes, because of whatever circumstances life has dealt, we become used to fighting, to struggling, to swimming upstream. I know that for many people, including me, fighting was the first mode of being that we knew. I grew up in a family of 6 children. I am the 5^th. I struggled for everything. For my own space, for privacy, to be heard, to not be ignored, to not be made fun of, to be allowed to do things that my brothers and sisters before me were not allowed to do; in short, to exist. Those were my external struggles. Internally, I struggled with my belief system. I knew early that what I believed to be true about the world did not agree with what my family was teaching me. But I loved them dearly, as I do now, and disappointing them in my mind was the equivalent of some kind of gruesome torture that only I could dream up in my head. So struggle is something I had come to expect. It’s in my bones. I’m used to being told no. I’m used to being told to be quiet. I’m used to having to fight. So many of us are.

Sometimes we get so used to fighting that we don’t realize that peace is our natural state. Joy is our birth rite. We’re even dumbfounded as to how “act” when we’re suddenly in a situation where we don’t have to struggle. Even worse, some of us unknowingly keep ourselves in tough situations, denying ourselves happiness, because struggling is all we know. We become identified with an experience of having an internal life that allows us to say what we feel and dream of freedom, and an external life of abject unhappiness or mediocre functionality at best.  What a sad split! Why won’t you allow yourself to internally happy and externally happy (I mean really there is no other way happiness exists anyway)?

Why just dream of your best life? Is it because you’re used to just dreaming? Is it because you’re comfortable swimming upstream, fighting the “good fight”? Do you want to spend your life shadowboxing, fighting a war that is truly only with yourself, or would you like to come into the flow of existence?

Having said that, there are many real battles that take actual courage. The other side of peace is war. Don’t waste your energy on a constant battle that doesn't actually exist. Save it for the real battles that you will have to fight. There will be many. If you are at peace within and have found the joy that runs through everything, you will know when a real fight is necessary and you will be ready. Take courage, the joy you have already found will give you indescribable strength and the humor you will need to face anything.

In the meantime, chill out and listen to this Bjork song…or any song that makes you happy. You really are so perfect.

I LOVE YOU, BUT I'M OVER YOU. Burying Your Heroes and Seeing the Light in You

Last night was pretty cool. I saw Aujourd’hui (Tey), a movie that stars Saul Williams, a man I have admired for many years. His poetry and music have been with me since I was 18 years old. He inspired me to dream big when I lived in a small town in South Carolina and ached to get out. His conversations with Ken Wilber and the Integral philosophy crew informed my already universalist worldview and helped me articulate my views about life, art, love, and everything in between when I came to a desperate crossroads where I needed to finally state what it is that I “believe.” Maybe I’ll talk more about that crossroads another time. I also dreamt of Saul before I ever knew who he was. Weird, right? But true. He would appear in my dreams and I’d wonder who that man was and why he was there. Each time he was in my dreams, I felt that I had dreamt something profound though usually I didn’t know what it was or what it meant.

Last night I got to see him live for the 3^rd time. And just like the other times I was deeply moved by his fierce individuality, his badass articulation, and the way he stores his words in his head in a seemingly effortless fashion, something that always reminds me of the African griot. I was in rapt suspension. I dared my mind to think, but it wouldn’t. It just spun around in a present state of energy, feeling hollow in its usual mode of knowing.

Ok. You get it. Saul Williams has been a major guiding post on my journey.

I remember meeting and then quickly becoming friends with a girl who also admired Saul the year that I moved to Philadelphia. She was going through a hard time in her life and our friendship seemed to be a form of salvation for her. I also felt a kindred spirit in her as she also liked Saul and back then I naively felt that anyone who liked him must also be my friend. One day in a flash of insight I reminded her that the people we admire are admired because we recognize something in them that is familiar to us; perhaps, what is familiar to us is familiar because it already exists within ourselves. The admired, then, is a pleasing reflection of you. You recognize the light because it already shines so brightly in you.  

Gosh. Writing that feels a bit narcissistic. But my friend understood me then. I’ll say something else that may be uncomfortable to read.

Bury your heroes.

If you have been lucky enough to find them, love them well, and then relinquish them.

In other words, I love you, Saul (or insert any other “hero” name you choose), but I’m over you.

I never cease to be amazed at how many talented, intelligent, and beautiful people live in New York City. I know quite a few people who sit on the “sidelines” in admiration of all the talent they live among, wondering what light they themselves will offer to the world. They have long lists of actors they admire, bands they follow, writers they read, visual artists they dig, companies they know… Indeed, one of the great things about living in this city is the ready access to some of the best talent in the world. But that’s not my point. Here is my point:

RECOGNIZE THE GREATNESS IN YOU. We are the Gods and Goddesses we have been waiting for. The time is now. Our heroes have “taken” us far enough on the journey. We are not meant to watch their journey as we salivate from the sidelines. Take all that juiciness and dance your own dance, sing your own song, write your own words, act in whatever way you must act.

The trigger is you! Qu’est ce tu vas faire? (What are you going to do?)    

EVERYDAY IS THE 14TH! YOU KNOW THAT OUTKAST SONG ON THE LOVE BELOW?? Collective Rising Up and the Power of Us: ONE BILLION RISING AND FREE HUGS IN UNION SQUARE

It’s been 2 days since my last blog- my first break from daily writing since I began JOY IN THE CITY nearly 2 weeks ago. I’ve had 2 non stop days and I felt like it was worth it to take a bit of time away from writing in order to rest the muscle.

Valentine’s Day was incredibly meaningful this year. I’m not a person who is nuts about holidays in general.  But as I’ve grown older, I understand that the reason holidays always “feel” different is because on holidays we are tapped in to the one-ness of thought in a unique way. That “buzz” that’s in the air that either depresses or excites people is the energy of many people sharing a thought. It seems obvious but it is a quite powerful realization if you consider the power of collective thought. On holidays we have a chance to change our thinking in a powerful way. If you link into the thoughts of others and remain united in an intention, consciousness can be changed on a deep level. Now of course, every day we tap into collective thought; that’s what civilization and all our “rules” are about. But what if you could choose the rules?

Ok. If I’ve lost you let me talk about One Billion Rising. It was a day of events that took place all over the world to rise up against violence toward women and girls organized by Eve Ensler and V-Day. Women everywhere marched, protested, sat in, sang, danced and spoke out against the violence. It was a day where an individual could link in to a collective idea, multiply her/his power, and make a huge statement for the world to hear.  And it was on Valentine’s day. A day that is depressing for multitudes of people.

I did something this year that I had never done. After a long morning of work, I met with my friend Kristin (see blog entry “Give a Little Bit”) to do FREE HUGS in Union Square. That’s right. I stood with a sign, along with 3 other people, offering hugs to anyone who needed or wanted one. Is that crazy? A bit. But why? Why is it crazy to take a moment to give love to people (strangers) that you typically ignore?

When I got there in the late afternoon I was so tired from a long morning of work. Kristin and the others had already been there for hours. I almost decided to just sit on the steps and watch. But I realized that it was important to take this moment where many people’s minds are on the “same” thing (a holiday) and contribute to the thinking. If Valentine’s Day reminds you of how lonely you are, maybe I can add something to your thinking by giving you a hug to remind you that you aren’t alone. I took one of the FREE HUGS signs Kristin had bought, decorated it a bit, and held it out in front of me with a smile.

It was a miraculous occurrence. Many many people came over to share a hug. One woman came over and the words, “I’ve been waiting for you” somehow came out of my mouth as we hugged. Her eyes were filled with tears as she said, “I've been waiting for you. I needed that.”  I hugged teenagers, old people, middle aged people, men and women, singles ad couples for nearly 2 hours. IT FELT WONDERFUL!!!!  

Then off I went to one of my favorite places in a Brooklyn, Sacred Studio, in Bed-Stuy. I mostly take hot yoga there, but I recently also began to take dance class and pilates (see blog entry “Girl You are a Hot Mess!”). The dance class Shake Your Soul has become a part of my weekly movement and self love routine that can’t be missed. On Valentine’s Day my beloved Shake Your Soul class was doing a special One Billion Rising extended class. Wasn't I stoked to find that I didn't have to miss my class to go to the main One Billion Rising party that was happening in Manhattan? I just love it when seemingly separate parts of my life come together!!

It was nearly 3 hours of dancing non-stop (I did take a break when I stopped feeling my feet once) with 4 different instructors of different dances that awaken and celebrate the feminine. 20 or so women with a gang of little girls coming in and out (requesting songs and even leading dances! So cute and badass!!) dancing their hearts out! Can you imagine the energy in that room??

Then at the end of the night we learned the “Break The Chain” dance that was choreographed by Debbie Allen for One Billion Rising. I've never in my life felt so empowered or had so much fun learning a dance. We also did the circle of healing for women who have been victimized by violence in any way (and that includes even if you know someone who has been victimized). I cried and laughed and hugged many women. I was so full of this great big thought, this grand but simple idea that we can live in a world where violence against women and girls is no longer accepted. I thought of a classmate of mine from high school who had been killed by an angry boyfriend. In her name, I prayed that what happened to her may not ever be tolerated again. I took a moment to tell her, wherever her spirit is, that she was loved.

I went home completely wiped out, but utterly full of the collective thought and love of so many people that I shared meaningful time with that day. Though I've hardly celebrated it in my life in the traditional way, Valentine’s Day is a symbol of a bigger love truly exists in the world. If we give it (love) more attention everyday then maybe some of our “rules” about what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable can be altered in a significant way.

The next day, my “real” Valentine came back to the states from France after being away for 2 weeks. Now it’s the weekend and I’m with my man feeling like it’s time for love.

But then again, isn't it always time for love? What do you think?   

GIVE A LITTLE BIT: WHAT AM I DOING TALKING TO HOMELESS PEOPLE ON THE STREETS OF NYC??

Today started with me feeling rather down. I found out that I didn't get something that everything seemed favorable for me to get. It’s a typical experience for actors, but the disappointment still exists. But I did not feel broken.  I am incredibly proud of the work that I put in for preparation. The experience I had auditioning, truly being alive and in the moment in the room, is priceless. I knew early on that even if I didn't get it, because I put my self into the work the way I did, failure was not possible. Because of all the things I had already gained from doing that caliber of work, I could not fail. This is the kind of assurance and confidence that no one can give you.

Nonetheless, I didn't get what I was hoping for, and I was down. I committed myself to being gentle but not wallowing in disappointment.  I did my usual meditation and somehow ended up dancing in my kitchen while getting ready for the day (still Stevie. See the last 2 blog entries.)

When I left for the day, I decided that if I made eye contact with anyone on the train or on the street I would smile instead of doing the usual look away. The smiles weren't forced (which is when it gets weird), but genuine, and would you know that all of my smiles were returned?

Here’s something else. I recently met a woman who has quickly become a good friend. Kristin Pedemonti is a professional storyteller, a TED Talks Finalist, and works all over the world, using stories to connect people, to inspire, and to heal. She also does FREE HUGS. Check out her website to listen to her speak. You're in for something special. http://storytellerkp.com/

She has inspired me to begin to take a moment to stop and talk to homeless people on the streets. It comes from a genuine interest in their stories, but also the fact that they are so often ignored or feared that they become invisible to us. As she and I have said, “We may not have money to give, but we can give some time.” To talk, to hear their stories, to make them feel less alone. THIS IS NOT EASY! Well, it’s not easy for the obvious reasons: sometimes I’m in a rush and sometimes I feel too weak as a person to be able to be present for a complete stranger. And maybe a less obvious reason is because sometimes I’m scared. What will I say? Who am I? What do I have to give? I’m not a naturally outgoing person, and I can be awkward at times. But something about talking to homeless people in NYC feels like a part of my heart’s work and I’m only beginning.

Today, I spoke to the 3^rd homeless person I've met on the streets of NY. I was walking to a play reading that I was doing tonight. I saw a gentleman with a sign explaining his situation and the word “Embarrassed” written on it jumped out at me. I went out of my way to avoid him. I was in no mood to talk to anyone.  I had gotten 3 steps past him and I felt my body making a U-turn. I turned around, looked him in the eyes, and said, “Don’t be embarrassed” and gave him a dollar. He said, “Try sitting here on the other side of this sign and see if you don’t feel embarrassed.” The next thing I knew I was kneeling down next to him and we were talking. He told me he once had a contracting business, but his business partner killed himself when they lost all of their money, and that’s when things first began to go south for him. But he is beginning to put things back together slowly but surely. I asked his name. I told him mine. He said that I didn't need to give him that dollar, he was just grateful that someone stopped to talk to him. It gets lonely out here, he said. I spoke to him for maybe 5 or 10 minutes. We shared a few smiles and shook hands. I’m not as courageous as my friend Kristin because I’m still too scared to offer hugs, but I’m good at giving smiles.

         

Here’s what the universe has done “in return” today:

1.      When I met my 3 year old friend (don’t you love the way that sounds? See blog “Joy Dressed in a Funny Disguise” to know who I’m talking about), her manner was surprisingly peaceful as if she was being gentle with me. She showed me affection that she doesn’t usually show and did things without being told to do them. We baked cookies together for her class for Valentine’s Day. She was nothing short of angelic and helped every step of the way.

2.      The play reading I did was very successful. I met and connected with new people and had meaningful conversations. I also “randomly” bumped into 2 other women who I was glad to meet. When you live in NY, you know how important those “bump ins” can be. It was a “bump in” that led to me getting to read the lead role in an amazing play tonight.  

3.       The disappointment of not getting that part has almost completely disappeared. 

So here’s what I’m saying, JOY IN THE CITY readers: 

When things don’t go your way, GIVE!! I’ll say it again. When things don’t go your way, GIVE!! Volunteer. Talk to a stranger. Smile. Hold doors. Contact someone just to say hi. Do what you can. It is by giving that you are reminded of how powerful you truly are. You get to see that making someone else’s day can also be a way of making your own. You don’t have to be stuck in the mental run around of your own head space. Giving to others is a sure way to remind yourself that life is bigger than your own personal drama.

The 3 things I listed up there are only a few of the “little” miracles that ended up happening for me today. Honestly, the "stuff" you get in return when you give is only a small fraction of the bigger fact that giving of yourself simply FEELS good.

So don’t be down! Give even just a little and your joyful heart will get so much more!

Dancing for Joy- Celebrating Inner Productivity and How the End is Inherent in the Means

I love Tuesdays. They are typically days that I am able to completely devote to my art. I can be completely productive: audition, search for auditions, make connections in the cyber world, read, write, paint, and take care of my body and voice. By 10am this morning, I was dancing around joyfully celebrating everything I had already accomplished for the day. When I say I was dancing around joyfully, I am not speaking figuratively. I was literally dancing and bouncing all over my apartment feeling so grateful for the gift of the new day and all the work that my soul had already been able to complete. I was ready and looking forward to my first meeting of the day.

Throughout the day I remained aware of the rich feeling of productivity that graced me this morning. But it also made me think of how much weight we give to external productivity and how little we give to the internal work that it takes to be joyful.

I easily dance all around when I have been able to meditate, read, successfully postpone jury duty (yeah I got called to serve when I have a money gig on Thursday. Crisis averted.), tidy up my room, and set plans in motion for the weekend with my guy when he gets back to the states on Friday (yay!) all before 10am! Who wouldn’t be dancing at all that external accomplishment, plus good sleep, a good breakfast, and Stevie playing all the while?

But how often do we celebrate our internal triumphs with such relish?

This requires something a bit more than the tangible things that can be checked off a to-do list. Being inwardly productive means keeping a positive outlook even when things aren’t turning out the way you want them to.

Inward productivity is more about HOW something is done, rather than WHAT is done.

It is an inward accomplishment when you don’t get the job you wanted, but you don’t give in to negative talk about the person who got it or about the company. It is an inward accomplishment when you really don’t feel like the hustle of your survival job, but somehow you show up and you’re present and you manage to make someone’s life easier by doing a little extra. It is an inward accomplishment when you didn’t get a job, but you’re still gentle with yourself and remain determined enough so that your eyes and heart stay fixed on your goal. Again, these aren’t things that can be checked off a to-do list, but they are productive. They are inwardly productive. What are you producing? You are producing a state of being that is worthy of accomplishment- a clear mind, relaxed focus, a pure and light heart, and all the other things that you imagine for your best self.

The end is inherent in the means.  It is not only WHAT you accomplish, but also HOW you accomplish it. How sweet will it feel when you accomplish your goals and you know that your soul is intact? That through your hard times you remained true to your highest self and your soul’s calling?

I think that maybe we could all do a little more dancing for the things we accomplish that aren’t so easy to see. Celebrate your growth. As we make the inner triumphs as important as the outer, we’ll be closer to the manifestation of our deepest wishes anyway. There are no guarantees, but your joy awaits you. What do you have to lose?                

Joy Dressed in a Funny Disguise

I had been itching to read something new for a while. I had gotten into the lull of only reading the New Yorker magazine subscription that comes to my Kindle every week.  It’s good reading but I was looking for a book to inspire me and I needed a book in the flesh-no Kindle coldness. I needed to turn pages, fold down corners, feel the texture of a book, smell its book smell. I had a bit of time to kill between appointments this afternoon and I wondered into the Drama Book Shop. Every time I enter the Drama Book Shop, I feel a rush of relief as if it were some kind of haven that I didn’t know I was seeking; like a cave of treasures you come upon in the desert; or a cottage in the woods filled with goodies. I always get a feeling that makes me think I was tired before I entered, I didn’t know I was tired, but now I am suddenly energized and excited. That seems like a lot to feel for a book store, but I don’t think it is dissimilar to the feeling I got when I entered a library when I was a child, as if I knew some form of salvation was nearby in a book.

I was very sure that I would buy a play to read. I browsed and did the usual skim through countless plays, jogging my memory for conversations I’d had with people to see if anyone I knew had recommended anything recently. Instead I ended up buying a book called How to Be Unforgettable written by “Dale Carnegie training.” I flipped through and figured that because it was in the Drama Book Shop near Julia’s Cameron’s collection (The Artist’s Way) that it would have some application to my life as an artist. However, the more I read the book, the more it seems that it was written for someone learning to be a politician, a millionaire, or work in corporate America. I was getting turned off. It uses examples from presidential elections and the golden age of the automobile industry. So far I have learned that Walter Chrysler took a part a car and put it back together 50 times to learn how a car functions in order to educate himself about an industry he wanted to enter but knew nothing about, for instance; and what set aside JFK apart from Nixon in the 1960 presidential debate. It certainly is not what I had in mind when I began reading. I thought the presidential debate story was just for the introduction and that it would get to the audition techniques and pithy anecdotes from casting directors eventually, but slowly I’m seeing that it won’t.

My next “appointment” was an afternoon gig with a 3 year old who I pick up from school a few afternoons a week. She is the sweetest pea and the apple of my eye; infinitely imaginative, intelligent, and generous. This afternoon she eagerly said that she wanted me to read her a book that we’ve read countless times called, The Gas We Pass- The Story of Farts. It is a book that is much more informative than it is funny (which is kind of disappointing because I always want it to be laugh out loud funny, but its just not). It is filled with measurements, numbers, and statistics about farts, most of which I’m sure go right over the head of my 3 year old friend, no matter how brilliant she is. Nevertheless her interest in and excitement about this book is palpable. After that, we moved on to a book about superheroes (Wonder Woman is her favorite), and then a book that was one of my favorites as a child, “Mufaro’s Beautiful Daughters.” She moved seamlessly between these 3 entirely different books with a curiosity that was inspiring. She was rapt in suspense. I could see the wheels turning in her head. I sat in awe as she devoured every bit of information that was presented to her.

This made me think about the importance of being curious. I realized how my interest in my book waned because it wasn’t dealing in the world that I am used to (the world of artists and a spiritual approach to self improvement). How many times do we insulate ourselves within our particular field of expertise, forgetting what it is like to be curious about the multitudes of disciplines and fields that exist? Curiosity is key to keeping a creative life alive and to owning your joy.

It is quite common that because of the need to keep up with the many aspects of our particular business, we get tunnel vision about the information we take in and thereby how we see the world. But we must not forget that everything and anything can inform us as artists. Be curious!

I know. I got my book from the Drama Book Shop and I got it because I wanted some pointers on upcoming callbacks and auditions, so who am I to talk? Hey, if you haven’t figured out by now that these blogs are letters to both you and me then you must keep reading. I’m learning as I write.

Curiosity is joy dressed in a funny disguise. Don’t miss it.  

What the Doctor Ordered or "Girl! You Are a Hot Mess!"

She’s a girl with ebony eyes. Devastating beauty. The kind of girl who can’t be beat…

Been spending most our lives living in a pastime paradise. Been spending most our lives living in a future paradise…

Love’s in need of love. Don’t delay. Send yours in right away...  

You are the joy inside my tears…

Going back to Saturn where the people smile. Don’t need cars because we've learned to fly. On Saturn…

Today I took a Pilates class at the place that I usually take yoga and dance. The class was called “Hot Mess Pilates.” (Don’t worry I won’t ignore the fact that I wrote lyrics from Stevie Wonder’s "Songs in the Key of Life" above. I’ll explain more about that later). I always avoided this pilates class when I saw it on the class schedule because the name of the class made me assume that it made you feel like a hot mess and that simply doesn't sound nice no matter how you spin it. But something in my soul was calling for the community experience of a class today. What is it about Sundays that makes me want to have my personal spiritual awakening in a group setting? I had already done my morning meditation, but still I wanted something more. Meditation is so…solitary. Besides, I had already missed the 2 earlier classes. So Hot Mess Pilates it was. I found out that the class is called that, not because it makes you feel like a hot mess, but because its great for when you’re feeling like a hot mess. It also happens that the class is held in a “hot” room (90 degrees). Not as hot as the yoga classes but still hot enough for some sweaty, intense core strengthening.

The class was exactly what the doctor ordered. It busted my ass, but I came out feeling amazing, and I got my fix of that spiritual community bonding that I so often crave on Sundays. Then I had an incredible realization. Somehow I had forgotten that lately I had become aware of a sense of weakness in my core (my abdomen, sacrum, hips, pelvis…) and that I was looking for a good workout for this region, particularly for my voice (yes, your core is related to your vocal strength as well as your will). How could I have forgotten that this was exactly what I had been asking for?

Could it be that I only thought that I forgot but that on some deeper level I hadn't forgotten at all and that is why I was drawn to take the class? Have you ever “forgotten” that you asked for something and somehow you are led to exactly what you requested though it seems you forgot you asked for it in the first place? Funny how things work out. And why was I avoiding the class in the first place? Een-ta-resting! Een-ta-resting indeed! Could it be that sometimes we run from exactly what we need, even while we are still asking for it?? It's as if we’re tangled up in some crazy dance of desiring, then forgetting the desire, then obtaining (what we desired), and finding that it's exactly what we needed or that we didn't need it at all in the first place.

I've found that whatever we ask for on a deep level (dare I say pray for?), we usually get. So what are you asking for? Why not bring some awareness to your asking so that when you finally get it, you’ll at least remember that this is exactly what you wanted in the first place? It will save you the time of wondering if this is what you want (remember you asked for it), and you can get right down to the work of using the gift in the service of your growth. And it will also make you realize how frequently you "ask" for things that you don't really want. Awareness helps.  

      

Come to think of it. This morning I actually was feeling like somewhat of a “hot mess”- my back hurt and I felt miles away from my body. So I was calling for that class on multiple levels. What are you calling for? Do you know? Make sure that something you asked for doesn't fall in your lap, but you were too resistant to notice that it was exactly what the doctor ordered. And the doctor is of course you.

About the Stevie Wonder lyrics that this post started with…they’re completely unrelated. I've just had that entire album stuck in my head all day. I thought writing some of the lyrics would help get it out of my head but no...

On that note,

You can feel it all ooooover! You can it feel it all oooover!

P.S. If you've read this post and you've never listened to "Songs in the Key of Life"from start to finish, I cast my eyes down in shame. You should have been listening to that album and not reading this. GO. Now. 

PLOW THROUGH

The wonderful thing about fallen snow is the light it reflects. A clear blue sky, a bright sun, and snow on the ground make for some of the brightest days. Do you know how when spring comes you suddenly see all the cleaning your apartment needs because of the new light on everything, and thus, “spring cleaning” ensues? When it is done, you feel refreshed and ready for the new season. Your mental space is clearer and so is your home.

Yesterday the northeast got hit with a snow storm that, quite honestly, isn't all that it was cracked up to be. No one in NYC is shut in (thankfully) and I think we only amassed 1 foot of snow. The storm even had a name! Nemo! I didn't feed into the alarm, but I prepared myself mentally. I planned a quiet day at home being as productive as possible, baking chocolate chip cookies, sipping wine and tea. The biggest thing on my agenda was to do my taxes. But the beauty of the day kept calling me outside, telling me that I should go out and play in the snow, enjoy the sunshine, etc…

I have effectively spent this day resisting that call. I know. That doesn't sound very “JOY IN THE CITY” like. Shouldn't I free my soul and go outside and play? Shouldn't I build a snowman and listen to the laughter and shrieks of happy children as they delight in the new snow? To that I say No, no, and no. Yup. 3 no’s for 2 questions.

Here’s why. There’s something else we do with snow besides “delight in its beauty.” We plow through it! We clear it away so that it doesn't slow us down when we have more important things to do. So today, I have enjoyed the spectacular light that the snow reflects from inside. I have decided to take decisive action and take care of some things that aren't exactly fun. I decided to plow through and get things done so that relatively small unimportant things (like taxes) don’t pile up and get in my way for all of the big things, like having a clear mind and showing up fully for an audition or for a friend who needs a listening ear.

I suspect the snow will be here tomorrow too. By then I’ll be finished doing my taxes, my laundry will be done, and my apartment will be a little cleaner. And I’ll go outside and play in the snow.  I know it can be hard with so much distraction but sometimes it is worth it to just PLOW THROUGH. All the best things are on the other side.

(Besides, I’m still treating myself to desert tonight at one of my favorite spots in Brooklyn, The Chocolate Room! And maybe I’ll catch a play or a movie too!!!)

              

Go to the Deep End...and Jump Right In!

I have a magnet on my refrigerator that says “Go to the deep end and jump right in.” It’s a quote from My Children! My Africa!, a wonderful play by South African playwright, Athol Fugard. I bought the magnet from the gift shop in The Signature Theater after an amazing night of theater when I saw August Wilson’s “The Piano Lesson” (directed by Ruben Santiago Hudson) there a few weeks ago.

When I was in my early teenage years, I was told quite regularly in some form or another that I was “too deep.” I wrote poetry and kept a journal; I was fairly quiet and quite obviously a deep thinker. I was the one in class to raise the “next level” question in classroom discussions. I was the one who made the comment that left the class in ponderous silence, including the teacher. After a while, I began to wish that I wasn't considered deep. I wanted to be funny or cool. I felt that if I wasn't considered deep my opinions would be more accessible. It seemed to me that every time someone called me deep that in some way they were saying that I was removed from reality. But there was no escape. I tried to be what I thought was shallow, but the deep end always found me.

So here we are. Today, I’m writing about the “deep end” because I learn time and time again that the answers to many of my questions lie in the simple act of going deeper. I notice a slight discomfort in my being; maybe I feel bored with some aspect of my life, dissatisfied, or otherwise off balance. Sometimes we make hasty decisions and make big changes in our lives when we experience that “itch that you just can’t scratch” feeling. Sometimes big action is necessary in these cases; other times your life may just be asking that you approach it from the next level of depth that is available to you. Our depth is endless. There is always another level waiting.

What does going deeper mean for you? Does it mean facing a truth about yourself that you know on some level is hovering in your blind spot? Does it mean letting someone off the hook for something you are ready to forgive? Maybe it means taking a few minutes of silence to figure out what the next level of depth is for you, engaging in deep inquiry, silent listening, or whatever it is that helps you get to the heart of the matter.  

Whatever your door, you can be sure that there is another level to your depth and it is waiting for you to explore. 

Hey! That kinda rhymes! Read it like this:

Whatever your door 

you can be sure 

there is another level to your depth 

waiting for you to explore. 

See what I mean?? Poetry! I can't escape it! That girl is Deep! You know it!

Ok. Ok. I'll stop. Just go deeper! Jump right in! Your joy awaits you!

P.S. If you haven't already noticed, you don’t have to be a downer to go deeper! We’ll talk more about lightness and humor later!    

ATTACHMENT TO FORM

Today’s JOY IN THE CITY is coming a bit late in the day. I had gotten in the routine of writing these entries in the morning, but now it is close to 5pm and I am just beginning to write. It is fine. The view of from the window in my room shows the sky has begun to make those hazy blues and oranges signaling that the day is fading into night. Her winter day eyelids are growing heavy and twilight will be a welcome release.

My day got off to a slow start. I had planned to go to an early morning yoga class, which would have been my first all winter. I planned to ride my bike, also a first for the winter. Class was at 7am so I was up at 6 and out by 6:30. I felt resistant, but I knew how grateful by body would be for an early morning of warm yoga (yoga in a warm room).

   

Its turns out that I had overestimated the capabilities of my winter body. My muscles were screaming as I pumped up the hills of my part of Brooklyn. My heart was leaping out of my chest, and by the time I got to Eastern Parkway I needed to take a bench. I found one, sat down, and stared at the sky. I realized that I was dangerously dizzy. I felt weak and empty. I had eaten breakfast but the cold winter air on my face and in my lungs and the pain in my body was not agreeing with my idea of yoga. At that point I didn't even feel capable of standing, much less biking another 2 miles and then doing yoga. I did what I had never done before. I got back on my bike, turned around, and went home, ignoring all the voices of criticism in my head that were calling me a failure.  

I was back at my apartment by 7. I got undressed, dragged myself back to bed, and lay there hoping that I hadn't caught a cold because being sick is the last thing I need right now. The next thing I knew I was waking up again and it was 11am! I had missed my first “appointment” of the day which was at 10!! Oh no! What happened?? I didn't set an alarm because I couldn't imagine myself sleeping past 9; I didn't even know if I was going to sleep at all! Thankfully, I was able to have the meeting shortly after 11.

The rest of the day was pushed back by a few hours, but I have managed to keep my mind and spirit in a positive place and accomplish the things I set out to do today. Tonight I will “make up” for the physical exercise I missed by not going to yoga this morning and will go to my favorite dance class ever called Shake Your Soul (more on that later)!

SO what does any of this have to do with JOY IN THE CITY besides Joy, the person, getting to unload and write about her day?

Everyday is a chance to let go of our ideas about what we thought something was going to be, to relinquish our expectations, or attachment to form. Even when things don’t turn out exactly the way you thought or the way you planned, each moment is alive with a new possibility.

If you take this idea past your plans for the day, you can also apply it to the plans for your life. Maybe at this point in your life things aren't looking exactly the way you thought they would. You don’t have a certain amount of money, you haven’t found the romance of your dreams, your career isn't as far along as you hoped…and you thought you did everything right!

 Don’t waste time beating yourself up or being harsh. Stay present. What is your heart asking you to do here and now? Your life is valuable and not simply if/when it lives up to your expectations. It’s valuable because it is a gift that is only yours to use.

 My wonderful friend told me this today,

“When you are sharing whatever gifts you have to the best of your ability, that is success.”

And the great thing about now is that it always is. Here’s your chance.      

Go Chicken Go! No Actually Stop!

Treat yourself. Be kind. Why so harsh? It is that you think you must work like an animal for any reward? There are plenty old messages that tell us that we must beat ourselves into the ground for anything good to happen. Life in the city also perpetuates this idea. Our days are long, our commutes are constant, our schedules are thick. Honestly, the message that we must work hard to accomplish anything has been around so long because it’s mostly true. Indeed it is only with diligence that hard ground begins to break.

But that’s not exactly what I’m talking about. I’m talking about needless busy-ness. I’m talking about the kind of mentality that says you can’t have a break because a break would mean failure. I’m talking about being spread so thin that most of your work loses its value because you’re so sleep deprived that everything you do is at just about half your capability.

Don’t you love how being “busy” is so cool? It’s as if people put on airs to seem exhausted so that they have an excuse to talk about how busy they are! Why it isn’t cool to be refreshed, relaxed, rejuvenated? Actually, this is the state from which our best selves can truly shine forth.

I recognize that we (and when I say we, I mean those of us with professions in the arts. Ok. Namely, actors) are in the business of creating our own luck, making our own opportunities, and most of what we do is necessarily a juggling act. Those of us who do this gracefully are sure to be the most successful.

So I’m not talking about not being busy. That would be impossible and just plain foolish. Anyone who is worth their salt knows that being busy is a part of the game.  

But how do you treat yourself? Are you internally harsh and critical? Do you allow yourself some down time that involves none of what you “should” be doing? Do you say “no” when appropriate so that you allow yourself adequate rest?

This is not easy. I believe that there is an art to this. Figure out what works for you. Let your happiness be your meter.  You are worth the time it takes to daydream, to have a delicious desert, an extra half hour of sleep, or a hobby that is unrelated to your work (more on hobbies later!). In short you deserve to not run around like a chicken with its head cut off 24/7! It makes you no less of an artist, no less of a successful person. Au contraire! You become more alive to your impulses, more generous, more fun, more beautiful!

I think you've got the point.

You may live in the city that never sleeps, but sleep you must!