Who Loves You? I Do! Letting Go of Your Need To Be Loved

Yesterday I wrote my 20^th blog post. It felt like something of a milestone. I know for the veteran bloggers out there the 20^th post may seem like small potatoes, but it really struck me what a mainstay this has so quickly become in my life. Just about 3 weeks in, over 700 reads and page visits, and so many rich life-altering moments chronicled. I feel very grateful.

Because I have taken a break from facebook and my main reader base comes from facebook, and because of a growing need to get Joy In The City out to a larger base of readers, I have begun the task of joining blogging communities and getting to know other bloggers. It seems important to me to put Joy In The City in a context of other blogs and for me to learn about the culture of blogging. Obviously, from me saying that, you gather that the reason I started blogging is more personal than entrepreneurial.

I started this blog because I thought that it would be wonderful to share the insights and the adventures I have come upon while living my life in a the crazy metropolis that is NYC. I also wanted to provide a source of inspiration for people struggling here-who are lonely, who are lost, who are yearning for something more but don’t know where where to turn. Most importantly, I wanted a dialogue.  All of those things were bigger to me than just “having a blog” and all that “being a blogger” implies.

Nonetheless, I have gotten to a point where I feel the need to familiarize myself with the world of blogging. So far I have found many ways that I am different from most bloggers, but the ways we are similar is shocking. I have learned that among bloggers, there is an intense need for validation that comes from writing and yearning for readers.

This has made me think lots about this need for validation we as humans experience. We do work from the heart and then, like children, we look around for acknowledgement, desperately saying “Love me. Love me!”  Every time I feel that kind of need rising in me, I grimace. It makes my gift feel less valuable if I insist that I be thanked for it. Yet, it is a very human experience.

But what do you if you do not receive the validation that you think you deserve? Undoubtedly this is a common experience. How many talented people are there whose work hardly gets noticed or who are looking for work in this city? If we don’t deal with this experience, we risk becoming bitter, shutting down, playing small, thus sabotaging potential success. So how do you deal?

This question has been running around in my head since I read an article called The Ultimate Act of Self Care – Letting Go of Your Need to be Loved by "Girlfriend on a Mission" writer, Beth Collins. In it the writer said that a major awakening in the second part of her life has been to let go of her need to be loved. What would she be if she didn’t constantly need to be told how wonderful she is, if she didn’t need the extra thank you? I was completely intrigued when I read this article. It was the first time in a long time that I was confronted with my need for validation, and I have been contemplating that need for weeks now.

On one hand, the need to be loved is a very human need. But as adults, when do we realize that we are loved already? In a very BIG way. Even if you don’t believe in the Universe or a God that loves you, just the fact that you are here and have gotten as far as you have on your journey signifies that love is working in your life. Someone somewhere loves you. So you are loved.

When will you let the fact that you are loved be a real part of your life instead of chasing it wherever you think some validation of it may exist? 

That’s right. I said it. You are loved. You are living proof of the fact.

I know that being told that you are loved is a human need. We need it like we need touch, air, food, and water. But letting your need for it rule you is like being ruled by a need for your right hand. It is already there. Just use it. Trust it.

I do believe as we begin to trust that we are loved more fully that signs of love from others will begin to manifest themselves more visibly in our lives.

This mantra came up in my meditation this morning. Maybe it will have some use for you too. Say it a few times along with deep breaths whenever you feel some weakness around personal validation.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

The universe validates me. I have no fear.

On that note: Thanks, readers. How I do love you.   

GO GO Go Shorty It's Ya Birthday/Happy New Year! And Other Pre-Dawn Adventures

I love early mornings. When I am blessed enough to wake up before the sun, I find myself in absolute peace, surging with ideas for the new day. I love the quiet mystery that seems to pervade everything, and I love the prospect of returning to a deeper sleep than the one I had left after hours of private, quiet, peaceful work time have been enjoyed. Oh that second sleep! There’s nothing like it!

Today, I woke up around 5am and lay listening to the rain that was falling in NY. Yesterday was my birthday. After a day of feeling alternately grateful for the new year of my life, and feeling a bit bluesy about the passage of time, I had a wonderful dinner with a few friends at my favorite Thai restaurant downtown. I also had a cocktail made of tequila, lychee, elderberry, cranberry juice, and fresh lime that was so refreshing and relaxing that I’m pretty sure I slept deeper because of it. All day friends wished me happy birthday on facebook, through email, and by phone. One friend even sang me Happy Birthday on skype and I blew out a candle via cyberspace that she had stuck in a strawberry as a birthday cake for me. The day was sweet in the simplest ways.

I think it’s wonderful that we get the calendar new year and also the new year that begins on our birthday. New years may only be days on a calendar, but they always symbolize new beginnings for me.

When I woke up this morning, one of the first things I did was delete my facebook account. It is a temporary separation that has come as a result of my owning the fact that it has become somewhat of a tic in my life. When my mind wanders, I go to facebook. When I’m walking down the street and I feel like being distracted, I go to facebook. When I post a new blog, I go to facebook to share it there. Every “blank” moment is somehow underscored by facebook. It is a tic similar to how I bit my nails as a child. It is something quite empty and meaningless to me, a go-to for moments that aren’t filled by anything else. Well, I have begun to feel that I’d like my “blank” moments back. Where does your mind go when it is free? When I asked myself that question, I didn’t like facebook as an answer. So at the beginning of my new year I have let it go temporarily, for at least a month. I am curious as to what my life will be like without it. Is there any part of your daily routine that you have come to accept as “normal,” but that really doesn’t serve your highest self? May you could join me and challenge yourself to give whatever that is up, even if temporarily. Wouldn’t it be an interesting experiment to see what you could be without it?   

Back to my early morning adventure.

After saying goodbye to facebook, and doing a little reading and researching, I decided that I’d like to bake cookies. I woke up my sleeping boyfriend around dawn to see if he’d like to bake cookies with me. Yes, I did. He took some convincing and soon enough we were in the kitchen sleepily measuring flour and cracking eggs. What fun! I know this sounds insane, but guess what. When I woke up after an amazing second sleep, I had fresh baked cookies waiting for me in my kitchen. What did you have? It was spontaneous and fun and we got to talk from a space that we don’t usually talk in…because we’re usually sleeping at 6am! But seriously. Spontaneity doesn’t take much. You don’t have to bake cookies at 6am (I know that really doesn’t sound like fun at all to some of you), but is there any other spur of the moment activity of which you can take part? A trip to a plant nursery, making a new dish, calling someone who you haven’t spoken to in a long time? Our routines are easy to get stuck in. A little spontaneity can remind you of why you live you the life you choose and put a smile on your face when you might need an extra one. And it doesn’t take much!

Baking cookies before dawn and swearing off facebook for a while are two really small ways that I am kicking off my new year. You don’t have to wait for your birthday or for January 1^st to start a “new year.” They can come any moment you choose to make a small change. Just try one thing as an experiment and see how your landscape can change. It’s up to you. Happy Birthday.       

Let's Start From The Very Beginning, A Very Good Place To Start! WHAT GETS YOU GOING?

 

Do you ever wake up with so many things to do that you just don’t know where to begin? You may look at your list or start a new list, wander (or run/dance/jog) to the kitchen or bathroom while your mind spins and does double turns contemplating all you must accomplish. The words Where do I begin? play over and over in your head.

This experience seems so common that it may not seem worth reading about—or talking or writing about, for that matter.

To which I say: The common cold. Think about it. So there.

Now what was I saying?

Oh yes. That old question, “Where do I begin?”

I’m asking you now, Joy in the City readers. Where do you begin?

Of course, we all begin somewhere because somehow we all get started. But how? What do you do? Yes, you. Personally.

If you don’t know how to answer that question, maybe it’s time that you bring more awareness to your beginning of the day routine. Find out what works for you and stick to it. What is it that gets you going? What inspires you in the morning and gets you focused for the day?

These things should sustain you for the entire day. This is not to say that a good morning routine will ensure that you always have the best day, but I do believe that it does ensure that you won’t have your worst. Even when things aren’t going the way you hoped, a good morning routine is something that you can touch back on throughout the day, that reminds you of your overall goal, settles your stomach, and keeps you moving with some semblance of brightness.

If you are of the kind that does something different every morning, there is still a way for you to bring awareness to your morning activity. Find the elements of what you currently do that are true no matter the form that your activity takes. For instance, if some mornings you notice that you listen to music and dance while you make breakfast and some mornings you like to run, one of the basic elements that helps you get started may be movement. This may sound basic but, trust me, naming it helps! There will be that day that you just can’t get it going and you can’t figure out what’s off. On that day, you’ll be able to say, “Oh! I need to get moving! Motion in the morning helps me get started!” And even if you can’t get it together to move in your usual ways, perhaps by just knowing that moving is something that works for you, you’ll be able to find a more creative and gentle way of easing into something that you love.

I guess now would be the appropriate time to tell you what I do to get started. I actually only have a few constant elements in the beginning of my day. I begin each day with 10-20 minutes of meditation, then I chant Om and Om mani pad me hum, and read a Rumi poem.

I usually also follow it with some kind of stretching; then I have a peaceful breakfast with my man; blog or paint or whatever other creative thing I want to do (it’s important to me to do exactly what I want during this time); and then start the day’s business.

That’s it. It sounds very simple because it is. It does not guarantee that everything I want will be mine, but it does help me remain mostly at peace throughout the day. During meditation, I am also able to get a clearer idea of the tasks that need to be accomplished, and my brain functions more fluidly as I work because of it.

And that’s what I do.

So where do you begin? How do you get started? Whatever you do should ground you, help you stay connected to your joy, and get you going! Negativity, in any form, has no place. If you haven’t already, identify how you best begin your day. Consider it a treat to yourself. After all, it is.

The day’s joy awaits you!

    

WHY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE SOMETHING? JUST BE SOMETHING!

A friend of mine once sent an email to her closest group of friends with the following 3 questions:

1. Why are we friends?

2. How do you feel when you are around me?

3. How do I impact you?

It took me weeks to answer it. The questions seem simple enough, and I guess they were so simple that I forgot about them. I knew that it was important to her so it was important to me, but nonetheless, somehow after I read the email I forgot to answer it for weeks. Then when I realized I had forgotten and was ready to reply, it took me hours of bouncing the questions around in my head, searching for the truest way to answer them before I could formulate my words. When I did, I felt grateful that I was able to answer from my heart and I knew she was appreciative.

The most important thing about those questions to me is the issue they raise over whether or not we know how people perceive us. There will be those of you who read this and who will say immediately that you don’t care how people see you. I tip my hat off to you. There are others of us  (maybe the majority) who know that how the world sees them matters, but who have decided that regardless of how the world may see them, how they see—and feel about—their self will always be more important.

I have, like many of you, gone through periods of time where I can’t quite reconcile a seeming split between who I perceive myself to be and how I think the world sees me. These times can be quite frustrating. During these moments things may not seem to be lining up the way you think they should. You think you’re incredibly like-able, talented, and attractive, yet things aren’t happening the way you think they would for that “incredibly like-able, talented, and attractive” person you see in your head.

That strikes me as funny: The idea that there could be an image in your head of yourself. Yet, there is. Each time I have ever wondered about this image of myself, there is some part of me laughing at its absurdity. I am not an image. I am a living, breathing being. So why should I become obsessed with a picture of myself. As Eckart Tolle said in The Power of Now (a book that seriously lights a fire under my ass):”Why do you have a relationship with yourself? Why don’t you just be yourself?”

Isn’t that deep?

Why do we concern ourselves with dichotomies like, “how I see myself vs. how the world sees me” or “how I feel inside vs. what I do outside”? This is a bit of non-sense if you look closely. If you get over this idea of an “image” of yourself, then you can give more attention to who you actually are.  When you are closer to who you actually are, and begin to live from that truth in a fuller way, then the truth of who you are will certainly shine in the world. You won’t have to worry about how people see you and how you see yourself.

This does not negate the genuine benefits that come from self inquiry. It may be a good exercise to examine how you see yourself and how others see you, as in the case of my friend who sent me that email. Hey, I think I want to send that email to some friends myself! But to become pre-occupied with it? To make it a daily concern that is such a regular part of your mental chatter that you don’t even notice that it’s there anymore? That’s a bit much. Why not give that energy to actually being as opposed to thinking about being?

What a novel idea!

I wonder how many of you noticed that I started yesterday’s blog talking about the mild obsession I have with writing Joy In The City, and that I didn’t go into more depth about it. I know at least one person did, because he asked me about it. If you are wondering the same thing, I’ll speak to that.

It would seem that I didn’t go into more detail on the subject of being a clear vessel to write this blog, but if you read between the lines it connects.

The idea that we need not be perfect (or externally successful) to exist, that we can learn how we, as individuals, function best, and learn how to live as our true-est and most authentic selves, is not a far-fetched idea. I, for instance, don’t need to be perfect, or “holier than thou” to be qualified to write this blog, and you don’t need to be overly concerned with an image of yourself at the expense of being yourself.

We each have the right to simply exist and to live the life we want. It is your job to figure out how you do that best and with a minimal amount of pain to yourself and others. In a word: It’s your journey. Now rock it out.        

OH YOU THINK YOU'RE HOLIER THAN THOU? A LETTER TO THE READERS

Hello, Joy In The City readers. Happy Saturday or whatever day it is when you read this. I am blown away by the fact that you read my words and allow me to be a channel of something positive in your lives. But I have confession to make.

I have gotten drunk off of this love you’re giving me. Daily, I become mildly obsessed with what I will write in Joy In The City. This worries me. I don’t think that obsession is congruent with maintaining the clear channel from which I need to write. This is not to say that I expect perfection from myself.  You know that these entries are as much letters to myself as they are to you. They are largely based on whatever I am currently dealing with. Yes, I am talking to you, but also to myself through these blogs.

I just want to put that out there to dispel any holier than thou-ness ideas that may seep into this dialogue. Because of the conversations that have come up through this blog, I think it could more aptly be called a blog-ologue. It’s a talking blog. Hmmm…somehow I need to convey that there’s more than one person talking.

Dia-blog-ologue?

Now that’s just ridiculous.

Where was I?  

Oh yes. No holier than thou-ness here. I am learning as I write. We’re talking here just like the conversation we may have about this later.

I have a question for you.

How do you deal with disappointment?

A friend of mine who I’ve known for most of my life asked me that question a few years ago and I gave her some generalized “meditation, yoga, laughter, time with friends” kind of answer. All very true. But there’s more to it.

It seems that every month I go through some kind of funk. I know I’m not alone on this. As I get “better” at this thing called life, the funks last for shorter amounts of time. But they happen nonetheless. I like to think that each time I rise out of one of these funks, I am stronger, funnier, sexier, and generally more successful in my life. Thus my life ebbs and flows through these periods of luminosity and darkness, each feeding the other.

The more I go through the funks, the more I come to expect them. I let them be, I give them their space, and they pass. I don’t fear them as I once did. I don’t indulge them by deliberately pulling myself lower with unhealthy behavior. I just let myself be.

Now, I don’t know what a “funk” means for you. These things may vary as much as individuals, so it is important, first of all, to have a level of awareness so you know what going through a low time means for you.  This will be the first step in learning how you must deal.  I know some people who only “allow” themselves 24 hours to be down in the dumps. I think that’s wonderful. I, for one, never know how long it’s going to take. But I never let it completely stop my life. I always engage in some kind of productivity and do my best to show myself some love, even if my dark time involves self- loathing.

I once thought that the fact that I experienced low times meant that there was something wrong with me. I did not know that being a fulfilled and happy person did not negate sadness, disappointment, and mild grades of depression. Now I know that there is no light without darkness. Each is right as rain. As a matter of fact, one cannot exist fully without the other. Just as I am brighter after dark periods, dark periods are shorter when I am free and enjoy myself fully in periods of lightness.

Joy is a state of being that is real through all circumstances. No matter the mood or condition you find yourself in when you roll over and see the light or darkness of day, joy is what prevails at the deepest level. It is untouchable. It is the laughter that cannot be stolen.

So the other part of the answer to my friend’s question, “How do you deal with disappointment?” is this: Accept it. Even expect it just a little. As much as you hope your goals will be accomplished and your wishes fulfilled, expect a bit of disappointment too. Things can’t always turn out exactly the way you pictured them. This is not negativity. It is true. Disappointment is right natural. Feel it. Accept it. Smile at it every now and again. It will dissolve in your acceptance. And the best part is that you will feel your fulfillments all the more fully.

There a lots of other parts of this conversation. For instance, do you have a practice, like meditation or prayer, as a regular part of your life? Do you have a good community of people who support your endeavors and from whom you know you have unconditional love? Are you making your best effort to live the life you want? All big questions. And no blog can answer them for you. It's a conversation. The door is open. All you need to do is walk right in.

DON'T BE SCURRED! JUMP ON AND RIDE!

Have you ever been terrified to do something that you absolutely want to do? Have you ever been terrified to do something that you know on a deep level that you need to do? Chances are, you have. I’m pretty sure this is a universal experience. If you’re the type that claims that you don’t “get scared”, please do hand me over some of that- whatever you use to not experience this thing that I’m pretty sure is unavoidable, even if rare.

I learned to ride a bike last year. Crazy, right? Funny thing is not knowing how to ride a bike never struck me as odd in my childhood. My siblings and I did many things to entertain ourselves. My older siblings knew how to ride and my oldest brother had a bike which he rode every now and again, but bike riding was never high on the priority list for me. We played outside, went to friends’ houses, and had an endless array of made up games for which we employed our toys.  I read and daydreamed endlessly. Nothing seemed to be missing in the entertainment arena. 5, and then 6, children growing up together in close quarters is entertainment enough.

The fact that I couldn’t ride a bike became a problem when I visited friends who wanted to ride bikes; at which point, they would invariably attempt to teach me, which always just left me with scratches and hurt shins and ankles.

I had my driver’s license by the time I was 15, and my own car by the time I was 16. I didn’t take bike riding seriously until I moved to a big city. I came to admire people who didn’t rely on public transportation or cars to get around. They seemed so free! Plus, they were getting to exercise while going from point A to point B and they were going faster than walkers and most runners.  I would see them riding over the bridges of NYC smiling. “Give me some-a that,” I would think. When I first moved to Philadelphia, I kept quiet whenever the subject of bike riding came up in conversation, until I realized that the odd facts about me can actually be interesting and valuable to my art in many ways. And by then, a few friends had attempted to teach me to ride a bike, and I was becoming frustrated at how what seemed to be so easy constantly eluded me.

When I began to make serious progress and it started to look like I would be riding on my own any day, it dawned on me that I was completely terrified to ride a bike. I never wanted to stop learning! Actually doing this thing seemed insane! Suddenly, I wanted to avoid the lessons at all cost because I knew that if I kept going that soon I would no longer need them. Can you believe that foolishness?

Thankfully, I did face my fear and make myself keep practicing because I love riding my bike now. Within a few months of learning how to ride I got to bike all over Paris, Amsterdam, and other cities in Europe.

The funny thing about fear is that usually it is unfounded. Most of the time, when you face it and stare it down, you find that it is nothing but a phantom following you around simply because you let it.

This is not to say that certain mountains we have to climb aren’t tough ones, and the thought of certain things we must accomplish justifiably may cause some fear.

I have spent days afraid to do one thing that is on my to do list. Maybe I don’t know I’m afraid at first. I just get a sense that I am avoiding it. I procrastinate. I do every other thing on the list and just look at that one like it’s going to take care of itself if I’m productive in other ways. Yeah. You know those days where you tell yourself those stories? You’re standing in your kitchen reaching for another cookie, sitting at your computer wandering over to facebook for the 3^rd time in the hour, thinking about every other thing you have to get accomplished but you know really isn’t relevant to that one big thing that you’re treating with a sly avoidance. Yeah, Maybe you’re scared. It happens.

Why are you scared? I don’t know. Don’t ask me. I just learned to ride a bike last year.

Here’s what I can tell you:

Our fears are only as large we you make them. The relief you feel at your accomplishment will outweigh any fear you may have experienced. The fear will melt away as soon as you jump on and start to ride. 

     

     

SATISFACTORILY DISSATISFIED: IS SELF IMPROVEMENT ALL IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE? I Mean Who Really Cares???

There is a psychoanalyst named Adam Phillips, whose most recent book, Missing Out, deals with a question that has spun around in my head for most of the second half of today:

Why is it that our entire lives are pre-occupied with the lives that we “could have” had?

He posits that frustration, or not getting what we want, is what makes life real, so then why, he asks, are we so hell bent on getting what we want? He believes in the power of being comfortable with a steady and natural state of dissatisfaction. For this reason he is absolutely critical of the self improvement wave in psychology that feeds the “fantasy” of a better life to the masses. Why is it that the life of your dreams is better than the life you have, he wants to know.

He has written several books, many of which are collections of his essays, on the subject of being satisfied in one’s dissatisfaction. His writings also include commentary on theater, most notably, the analysis of Shakespearean characters (like Lear), as an examination of madness. This, I find, absolutely fascinating.

On one hand, there is a part of me that couldn’t agree with his suppositions more. Why do we spend our lives chasing fantasy images of ourselves as if the self we have isn’t good enough?

On the other hand, I completely agree with the The New Yorker literary critic who said in his review of Missing Out in this week’s issue, that he’s never known anyone to quit an unfulfilling job or get a divorce and regret it. In other words, what’s wrong with trying to have a better a life? What’s wrong with self improvement?

I, for one, can say that the efforts I have made toward living a more authentic, and therefore, better life, are some of my only real achievements in this world thus far. Yup. Not many awards. Certainly not many big roles. Definitely not money. Just the courage I’ve earned and my pride at being a good friend when I can. In a word, I believe in self improvement. I think there’s power in kindness (which Phillips calls 'unfashionable'). That people can grow.

But I agree with Phillips in other ways. He says that a person’s desire at having a better life, including the attempt to understand oneself, somehow takes her away from direct experience of life as it is.  He also says that we have lots to learn from children (he started his career as a child psychologist) because children exist and function without knowing why, without understanding, yet they know, and of course, they grow. When did we get so caught up in trying to figure things-including ourselves- out, talking about things, and attempting to be, dare I say, enlightened?

Now, you know, if you’ve been following this blog, that all of this is a slap in the face to me! What is the point of life if not to have a better life? 

But the point of this mini book report (remember when writing about a book was a book report, not a book review? hahaha), is that I think we’ve got to find some common ground in this age of self improvement (of which, I am very proud to say this blog a part).

There must be some balance of self acceptance and self improvement. What is that balance act for you?

It's not worth it to spend your life thinking of the life you “could have”, but it's also not worth it to never try for the best that life can offer.

Life is now. It is not an imagined future and it is certainly not a regretful past. As we spend more time hanging out in the now (more on that later?), we can get clearer on what we can presently do to make the future more of what we envision. Otherwise, we’ll be stuck chasing something that was never ours in the first place. In short, we’ll miss out on the gift that is now.

In the end, that’s got to be worse than trying to figure out whether all of your attempts at self improvement are futile or not. I have a good feeling that they aren’t. 

Keep trying, but don't forget to love you for you now. Dissatisfied or completely happy. Why not?