I broke one of my rules yesterday. I had coffee before an
audition. Coffee does many wonderful things for me, but before an audition I
need to feel grounded and centered. Coffee does not help me feel grounded and
centered. It makes me something akin to a talking head that is attached to a
bouncing ball of nerves that cannot stop smiling. This kind of nervous energy
may work for some people, but it does not work for me. There are some people
who seem cute, quirky and funny when they have tons of frenetic energy surging
through them. I am not one of them. I’m pretty sure I just seem scary.
Nonetheless, I got through the audition and the brief talk
with the auditioner that followed. But I left kicking myself. Why couldn’t I
have just waited until after the audition for that stupid cup of coffee? I
wished that I were enlightened enough to just let it go, but the night was
rainy and I was cold and I had just started a new job before the audition, so
my mind was running rampant with thoughts about my performances of the day-on
the job, at the audition, the various conversations I had with people, and of
course the big, big coffee misstep. Why couldn’t I have just waited until after
the audition for the stupid cup of coffee? Every conversation was re-played.
Every moment of the audition was re-wound, fast forwarded, paused, and watched
on loop with a grease pencil. I thought of the job I started. I thought of the
clothes I was wearing. I thought of my hair. I thought of my makeup. And of
course, I thought of the coffee.
Does this sound unnecessarily ridiculous and manic? I hope
so. I hope that as you read paragraph above, that it was abundantly clear that
what I experienced was only a minor incident that had been completely blown up
into something really big because of the funny house mirrors of the mind.
I know this. So why am I talking about it?
The only reason I share this experience with you fine
readers is because I know that this is something that has happened to us all in
one shape or another. Obviously, not the specifics. I mean, I hope that coffee
doesn’t make everyone into lunatics.
I’m talking about the playback syndrome.
When something doesn’t turn out the way you hoped, and you
playback every single detail of the incident, attempting to dissect it so that
maybe you can figure out what went wrong. I’m not talking about your basic
playback where you casually remember things that were said to remind yourself
of useful details. I’m talking about the kind of playback that makes things
larger than they actually were.
Remember what I said about fun house mirrors? Even if you
haven’t been in a fun house in years, you remember those mirrors that twist and
distort things into unrecognizable rendering that are so removed from their
originals that they shock you. Those are fun. But the mind can do that too. And
usually when the mind is doing it, it’s not fun at all. It’s painful. It’s
obsessive.
Of course, last night I was under the influence of coffee
had way too late in the day. The other affect of this was that it kept me up or
in a light sleep throughout the night.
But before I went to sleep I was determined to turn my
experience into something positive. I spent some time working on perfecting my
“acting brand” (maybe I’ll tell you more about that later?). I also wrote a new
monologue for my monologue collection, a hobby of mine that I love and that
truly has served me well. And I wrote about my audition in a helpful, objective
way.
This helped to pull me out of the loop dee loop of my
thoughts. If I remained stuck in playback mode, I would have missed the new
opportunities that had arisen. And there were plenty. Friends were at my
apartment when I arrived, inspiration for a new monologue greeted me, and the
delicious drive that only a bad audition can give you were all for the taking.
Thankfully, I took it.
The next time you’re in playback mode, yank yourself out of
it like you’re standing in the middle of the street and a NYC bus is coming
your way. Seriously take a minute to
figure out what will legitimately help pull you out of it. I bet that if you
open your eyes, you’ll find tons of amazing things waiting for you right here
in the present. Maybe one of those things will involve your joy, and the fun
house mirrors will just make you laugh like you’re a kid again.
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