I’ve been cast in a new play. Lead role. I find the script
scary in a very good way. Less than a week after they contacted me with the
offer, I scheduled a coffee date with the director and
playwright to discuss their vision for the piece and to establish our
relationship as collaborators.
Among many things, they told me that they cast me because in
the audition room I ‘bared my
soul.’ Of course, like anyone would be,
I was flattered.
It is a rare occurrence that I actually get feedback
after an audition. At most I get, “That was a good audition” or “They liked
(loved) you.” But you never really know what it was that sealed or broke the
deal. Many times you never hear anything at all- good or bad- you just don’t
get the call. So, needless to say, this was feeling good to me.
But back to the ‘baring your soul’ thing. The director said
that he had recently sat through hours upon hours of auditions. The funny thing
about actors, he said, is that they are performers, so they know how to
perform, but really when you’re watching people on stage you don’t want to see
performances. You’re looking for that person who has the courage to (here’s that weird phrase again) “bare their
soul.”
Instead of reveling in the flattery of all this like I
probably should have (God help me. When will I learn how to take a
compliment?), my mind immediately searched around for all the countless times
that I had not been that rare, courageous ideal of an actor and, as my thoughts
would follow, of a person.
What lies do I tell hoping that they will pass off as truth
long enough for them to actually become truth? I do tell them.
I know that has a harsh sound to it, but the truth is that I
don’t believe there is anything wrong with the phenomenon of passing something
off as truth hoping that it will come to life. In a certain way, this is a
natural part of a creative process, even when that creation is a person.
So if “faking it until you make it” is a natural and healthy
part of the process, doesn’t that in some way contradict the whole honesty
ideal, i.e. baring your soul?
This is what I was processing when I was at a meeting that I
called and should have been asking meaningful questions about a script that I
am about to work on. This is how my brain works. Good? I don’t know.
But speaking of how my brain works. I think I’ll call the
aforementioned phenomena “necessary contradictions.” If we each have some
necessary contradictions, some paradoxical elements of our personality, and we
know that there is nothing wrong with them, maybe the most important thing is
learning what yours are.
What seemingly opposing parts work together to create the
amazing whole that is you? Understand that these contradictions are necessary
and awesome.
If you have read Joy In The City before, you have heard me
say something similar to this in the post, “A Letter From An Introverted NYC
Actor…” I’m talking about this idea again because I do believe that some people
are in the habit of hiding certain aspects of themselves that they are afraid
don’t fit into what they feel is an image of themselves that makes sense.
If you’ve wondered about these things before, first I
encourage you to take a look at whatever image of yourself you’ve been carrying
around, thank it for its insights, for having gotten you this far, and kindly
let it go.
Then, I suggest taking a look at your necessary contradictions. Do
they serve you? Ask these questions and boldly live with what you find. This is
how you come by your honesty. This honesty is not always easy to own. But it is
yours.
You know how it is when you look out of a window on a plane
flying close enough to the ground to make out shapes, and you see the
endlessness of everything-the curves, the straight lines, the zig zags, and all
those geometric figures you wish you could just draw? All the shapes and pieces
have their place. The curves, the straight lines, all of them...
They kind of fit together. And so do you. Cheers.
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