The other night I went to one of those SAG conversations
where someone with a noteworthy acting career is interviewed. That night it was
Vincent D’Onofrio. Amazing. The last thing he said in the evening, in response to a
question about the best piece of advice he’d ever received, was something along
the lines of being your own unique self. He said that before your work receives
any real validation it can be tempting to just work on emulating someone else
that is already where you’d like to be. Don’t do that, he said. The only way to
be memorable is by being yourself-your natural, true, authentic self.
Now I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard this maybe 50
million times before. It’s kind of a no brainer, right? Good advice, but I know
this already.
It seemed incredibly profound when he said it and I was,
rightfully, flooded with gratitude. But as I repeated it to myself after the
program and now to you, I realize that this is the same advice everyone gets or receives multiple times in his/her life starting in childhood.
But why haven’t I been able to stop thinking about it? This
being your self thing has some layers to it that aren’t always acknowledged. I
want to shed some light on that because the waters can get murky.
Here’s the way I have come to see it:
1.
There is an ideal self. This is you at your very
best, fitting all the proper images that you have set up for yourself. You’re
checking all the boxes, dotting your i’s, crossing your t’s. You are “on it.”
This is what people are usually thinking of when they say “best self.”
2.
And then there is also the “normalized” you.
You’re not particularly at your best but you are functioning. You’re getting
things done little by little. Some things are left undone, you’re a bit rough
around the edges, but you are alive and have great moments.
3.
There is the awful you. The “ewww, what side of
the bed did you wake up on?” you? You need more sleep. You’re having a bad day.
If this you dominates your life for too long, you may need professional help.
And I’m not playing.
Of course this list doesn’t comprise every single state of a
person’s being. These are just a basic 3
that probably have various subsections and categories.
The reason I mention these different selves is because I
think sometimes people get a bit hung up on always being in the ideal self
state. I know that there are people who function optimally every single day,
but for many people, the other 2 selves are also regular parts of existence.
I believe that being yourself is understanding and accepting
the whole balance of these three, being grateful, and always having the courage
to move forward. What does the whole
balance of these 3 mean? I think that is up to the individual. Acceptance of them is a
great place to start.
So much life occurs somewhere in between these selves, in the moving through them. Being
your true self is at least partly about learning how to deal with yourself on a
daily basis. Find your flow, learn how to talk to yourself in the manner that
is most conducive to your success, seek help when necessary.
Also leave space for mystery. To know oneself completely is
impossible, and thank God, because where would our art come from if everything
was all figured out? We need our questions and they will always be there.
I’m not sure Mr. D’Onofrio had all of this in mind when he
gave his final piece of advice for the evening. But I think we have to get
clear on exactly what “being yourself” means. Which self?
Again, I’m not completely sure, but I think it is the self
that carries the delicate balance of all the other selves gracefully and realizes
that they are one. It is the self that is ready to exist peacefully and
bring the gift that is you into the world.
Here's to you.
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