I have been busy with a capital B for the past few weeks.
Getting into the thick of rehearsals for a show that opens tonight, 5 long days
of shooting a short film, beginning rehearsal for the next play I will be in,
and working both of my survival jobs has kept me away from writing you, dear
Joy In The City Readers.
Tonight, the first of the 2 plays I’m doing this summer
opens. As the afternoon moves on, my spirit is feeling lighter than it has for
the entire month of May. This is the first afternoon I’ve had to myself in weeks.
It is giving me a chance to reflect and hopefully I can articulate what I am
seeing.
The process for this play has been hard. We were beset with
a whole compilation of difficulties early on. I play the lead role and carry
the bulk of the show. For the first time, I am realizing that performing in
front of an audience is also a part of the process. I will meet her (my
character) again tonight as if for the first time. She is not complete, and I
cannot imagine that she will be by the time the play closes.
This scares me. You (hypothetical you, that is. God? Spirit?
Universe? Whoever…) mean I will be working even as I perform? Well, yes and no.
I won’t be working as if I am in rehearsal. That work is mostly over. But I
will be learning. There is so much about this woman that will be found each
time I speak the words she was written to speak. She is alive each time we
gather to witness her. So she will be growing as I grow to merge with her. Yes, I’ve known this for a long time as I’ve
heard fellow actors, “masters,” and teachers speak about process. But right
now, this idea is real to me in a new way.
Gosh that sounds all metaphysical and spiritual and mushy.
You can’t be serious. But it is what is.
So what does this all have to do with you, dear readers?
Well because things surrounding the play have been so
externally difficult, I was hit with a hard truth this morning: I have not
found my joy in the process.
Don’t I act because I
love it? How could I not be immersed in utter joy with just the opportunity to
share my art with others? Isn’t that a
given? Well, not always.
Sometimes we become so tied up in the “getting it right” or,
what I will call, the “pain” of the process that we forget about its intrinsic
joy. Has this ever happened to you?
Have you ever caught yourself scrunched up over something
you love because it is giving you a challenge, and realize that you’ve
forgotten to breathe or laugh, and that your body is tied up in knots because
you’ve failed to remember the flow and fun of the task?
Don’t get me wrong. Human beings need challenge to feel
fulfilled. Recent studies show that we actually do experience more happiness in
process than we do in reward, something we’ve said forever but just didn’t have
the actual science to back up.
We need the struggle.
But we must not ever forget the joy.
Thankfully, I have had the company of my dear friend, Nicole
Beharie, for the past week or so. In our conversations, she has given me much
wisdom about remembering that for which you were called.
You were not called to just be “so and so” or to do “this or
that”. It is your task to, not only master the craft of your work, but to also
master how to do it with the right amount of flow and joy. Indeed, this is a part of the mastery. You
were called to your life’s work to do it
joyfully.
This is not always easy. This is especially true for
artists, who work in a variety of mostly unpredictable circumstances, and who must,
necessarily, work with a level of vulnerability.
I am learning. Perhaps we can learn together? If you are
reading this, please leave your comments on what you to do to maintain your joy
in the midst of challenges in your work.
For now, I propose this: Find something to laugh about.
Enlist the help of your friends to remind you to see the forest for the trees.
And, for the love of God, do enjoy this sunshine. It is waiting for us.
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