I love wearing my hair natural. Yes. I’m writing about my
hair. This is a blog about attaining joy and I believe feeling proud of your
appearance is an integral part of that.
My last relaxer (aka hair straightening chemical perm) was
when I was 16, and I did the big chop cutting off the rest of my relaxed hair at
17.
That was 11 years ago when I was an outspoken (albeit
introverted) teenager who spoke out about Euro-centric notions of beauty
whenever I got the chance to express an opinion, related to hair or not.
Wearing my hair natural was a political statement more than
a personal declaration of owning my beauty, though that was one of the many
claims I made. I generally liked my appearance, but I didn’t consider my hair
as a part of that. I thought of it as a fact of who I am, and trained myself to
be indifferent, thinking that indifference is at least better than the
prevalent dislike or seeming hatred for natural black hair that I was becoming
so aware of.
And that is the way it has been until fairly recently. I
never really thought of my natural hair as beautiful.
And then something changed.
I had been wearing my hair in long double strand twists for
over a little over a year, and then I took them out in July.
And that’s when the change started happening.
Now for the first time in my adult life, I truly LOVE my
hair. It strikes me as so much more than just a fact of who I am. I am utterly
proud of my kinks, knots, and tightly sprung coils. I love the way it retains
shape. I love that because of it I feel more deeply connected to nature and my
ancestry. I find it fun, sexy, and even
attractive.
Since I went natural, I have worn my hair buzzed close to my
head, in double strand twists (with extensions and without), and mostly I have
worn a simple afro of varying lengths, but I have not put any sort of chemical
straightener in my hair for all 12 years.
And then last week, I purchased a flat iron and straightened
my hair. I was going to 2 weddings (see previous post), and wanted to look
different. A part of me was also curious about what my hair would look like
straight after all this time.
I was not prepared for what happened.
During the lead up to straightening my hair, my mind flashed
to all the years spent being taken to hairdressers by my mother to perm my
hair. I hated it. I hated how my hair burned even if I was careful not to
scratch it before my appointment. I hated the various styles that the stylist
would put in my hair that made me feel as if I was someone else. And most of
all, I hated how my hair was always talked about in degrading terms, as if it
was only a problem to be solved.
I got my first relaxer around the time I was 6, so by the
time I was a teenager, I was anxious and curious to see what my actual hair
looked like. And so I did. It was liberating.
And then I started talking and wouldn’t shut up. I couldn’t
stop talking about how absurd it was that most of the women I knew didn’t know
what their actual hair looked like. I was mortified at the self-hatred we all
seemed to possess related to our natural appearance.
But there I was, only understanding a concept cerebrally but
not fully possessing the heart of understanding. It looked like I loved my hair, this strange microcosm of myself, (“Hey!
I’m natural, right?!”), but really I didn’t. For one thing, I only did the bare
minimum to take care of it. One of the main reasons I went natural was because
I didn’t want to care for my hair, which is silly because you actually need to
take care of your hair even more as a natural, especially in a market place
that largely does not understand natural black hair.
In the days leading up to straightening my hair, I felt
myself become like a protective mother of my hair. I decided to only straighten
my hair with the flat iron on a relatively low heat so the final product looked
more like a blowout than bone straight permed hair. I just couldn’t bear to
alter my hair so drastically, even if it was chemical free.
Over these past weeks I have become acquainted with lots of
natural hair blogs, among which CurlyNikki is certainly my favorite. She gave
me great guidelines for protective therapy (steps to take to protect natural
hair from heat damage before straightening) for my hair before I straightened
it. Bloggers like CurlyNikki are true sister champions, guiding women through
making the transition to natural hair, offering advice for hair care, and even providing
a forum for speaking about psychological trauma related to our hair.
It was through reading these blogs that I became inspired to
be as fierce about taking care of my hair as I am about taking care of other
parts of my being; not just as an act of necessary maintenance, as I usually
do, but as an act of love-- more than just a mere fact of my being, more than
just an intellectual concept, but as a sexy, interesting, fun, and attractive,
part of my appearance.
This morning I moisturized my hair with unrefined shea
butter and put it in protective leave in style of “flat” twists. When I started writing this entry, I was in a coffee shop. When I walked
into the relatively small coffee shop, I was immediately blown away by the
beauty of 2 other natural sisters with leave in do’s. Crowns of braids and
bantu knots. I was struck by the beauty of our 3 different hair types. So
healthy and natural. I silently toasted us and joyfully began this blog.
What is your journey with self acceptance in regard to your
appearance? Is there something about how you look that you secretly hate? Let
that go. Find a new way to love every aspect of how you look, whatever that may
mean for you.
Believe me, you are a part of the world’s endless beauty. And
on this clear summer day, with the wind whispering the secrets of autumn, I can
see your beauty all the way from over here.
Shortly after I took
out my twists:
And this is me today smiling at you:
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