I had been enduring weeks of negative self-talk. You know
that booming voice that goes off in your head sometimes that insists and
demands that you don’t deserve any of the wonderful things that are happening
in your life (or that you want to happen in your life, for that matter). For me
this voice has a tendency to creep up right when things are going beautifully.
I’d been ecstatic over the amazing developments in my
personal and professional life. 2 films screening, one of which is making
festival rounds, completing my first play (as a writer), enjoying the process
of being in a play (as an actor), domestic bliss with my partner, fun times
with friends... My life couldn’t seem more perfect.
And then lo and behold, I began to look at myself with the
eyes of the cruelest critic…the kind who would put Ben Brantley to shame and
make him seem as tender and sympathetic as a teddy bear. The voice that points
out every failure, every embarrassing moment, every seemingly insurmountable
struggle that I have ever faced, and says,
“You don’t deserve
this happiness.”
“Who do you think you
are?”
“Don’t forget
you’re…”
And then the voice wouldn’t quit for days. It dragged me
around. We fought. And then I slowly
began to allow it to have its rants without engaging with it in mental battles.
It would rant and I would silently glare at it, as gently as a loving parent
allowing a child to talk or cry itself silent. And gradually it shut the hell
up. VICTORY!!!!! Sweet sweet victory.
I wonder how many of you read the title of the blog entry
and assumed that I was talking about other people hating on you. Sometimes we
don’t realize that the biggest hater is our self. For all the loving self -talk,
the critic never seems to completely die. It pops up right when everything is
splendid, right when you think you can relax a bit and enjoy the fruits of your
labor.
The critic isn’t all bad. Every part of the psyche is there
for a purpose. The critic is there to make sure that you stay on your “game,”
to make sure no amount of success makes you stop striving. Most importantly, it
keeps you cautious. But we also know that the critic can be excessively
negative and sound eerily like a parent, or some other authority figure that
you were afraid you could never please as a child. That’s where the critic
oversteps its bounds: when it no longer serves you, but seeks to keep you small
and afraid.
Not only does it keep you small and afraid, it utterly
sabotages, and steals, your joy.
In a few days 2 women who have inspired me and blessed me
with their friendship will be getting married to the men of their dreams. It is
beyond belief that they happen to both be getting married on the same day, that
I was invited to both, and that I am fortunate enough to be able to attend both
ceremonies. This Saturday, I will attend 2 weddings and the man who I will be
happily marrying in the presence of our friends and family in 2015 will
accompany me.
This is the time of our lives.
In the coming years, I will witness my friends get married,
have success in their careers, find love, have children, deepen their hearts,
and be all around amazing. These things will most likely happen for me as well.
This is the joy that can’t be missed. I want my eyes and heart wide open for
this. I want front row seats.
Now, as we know, sometimes as happiness and success come
about, there also arrives our friendly critic, full of fear, full of panic,
wondering if it really is possible for all of this to be so good. There must be
a catch somewhere, right? You can’t possibly deserve all this goodness.
Wrong. Dead wrong. Brush that hater off. Tell it to get
lost. You don’t have time. I know saying these things is one thing, but how
does one successfully quiet this voice of negativity?
I just discovered a few ways that work for me. Maybe they
will work for you too?
1.
Do not engage in mental tug of war with the
negative voice. Somehow arguing with it validates it. Just have the courage to
do what I like to call the “stare down.” Stare it down. Develop an inner gaze
that watches it peacefully and silently. Soon it will know who is bigger and
dissolve.
2.
Want something bad enough and pursue it with so
much heart, passion, and drive that you simply don’t have time to listen to
negativity. Every time I do something physically demanding I hear a small voice
of negativity somewhere. But my eyes are so glued on what I want and I have so
much passion that I barely hear it.
3.
Do something simple that makes you feel
fabulous. Yesterday I made a homemade deep conditioner for my hair and just
pampered myself. My hair was amazingly soft and I felt like a queen. (Ask me
for the recipe! It’s great!) I had swathed myself in so much love that, even if
there was any negativity around, I was too busy feeling good to care.
Doesn’t all of that sound simple and obvious? It is. But it
takes time and—I think—maturity. So next time some negative inner critic comes
knocking at your psyche’s door, running its mouth, talking your ear off, stealing
your joy, try one (or all) of the above. The time is now. Brush off the haters
and enjoy the ride.
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